Quarantine Homeschooling

I kinda feel like that old lady from Titanic right now.

“It has been 84 years…”

We are in our third year of quarantine homeschooling. And by “year,” I mean “week,” because time passes differently now. You know how they say dogs age seven years for every human year? Well, the same is true for quarantine homeschooling parents.

(I suppose now is a good time to say I’m grateful for a home, my husband’s job, health, etc. before anyone says, “Hey, count your blessings.” I’m grateful, I promise!)

Before the boy started kindergarten many years ago, I considered homeschooling him. We did a lot of work at home, so building on that with the flexibility homeschooling offered seemed like a good idea. After much discussion, we went with public school, as LM was super excited about going and making friends. (He is now a total homebody and hasn’t complained the first time about not getting to go out and see people. Go figure.)

And along came Baby Girl. Homeschooling wasn’t on the table with her as much.

For the record, I’ve taught the child plenty (she started kindergarten reading), but it’s like pulling teeth at times. She often doesn’t like to cooperate and acts clueless about things I know she knows.

So, blonde Baby Girl is back. I couldn’t part with the old doodle for her.

Sigh.

It has been like this ever since I tried to teach her the ABCs and how to count to 10 as a toddler. As far as I can tell, she has done much better for her preschool and kindergarten teachers than she does for me, at least, which is true for a lot of kids.

And now we’re quarantine homeschooling. I have to admit — the reason for the homeschooling aside — I was rather excited at first. The adjustment to full-day kindergarten has been tough at times, so getting so much extra time together and getting to test the homeschool waters was exciting. (And now I know that it doesn’t really replicate the actual homeschool experience since we can’t go anywhere or be around anyone!) Same with LM, who started middle school this year.

The excitement turned to feeling drained pretty darn fast, but it has been…interesting. For example, I’m not always homeschooling a little girl and tween. Sometimes I’m homeschooling a lion and a tween. When the girl isn’t pretending to have forgotten everything she knows, she likes to get in touch with her inner animal. She is obsessed with animals, especially African savanna animals, and lions and other big cats are a favorite. BG loves pretending to be a lion, which sent her to the ER in January because she fell off the bed and busted her head open while pouncing. This is how our homeschool work goes sometimes:

It’s like Max from “Where the Wild Things Are” in real life. And sometimes I get to homeschool a hyena, an animal Baby Girl thinks is the cutest ever. (This child had me make her a hyena mask for their Father-Daughter Masquerade dance!)

Little Man doesn’t get in touch with his inner animal, but he is rather like a little zombie. Just replace “eating brains” with “eating everything in our pantry,” because the child does not get full. He has been in growth-spurt stage for a long time!

Another interesting aspect of quarantine homeschooling has been Zoom. I had never heard of this app before two weeks ago, but a lot of teachers are using it to do virtual lessons. It’s kind of like FaceTime, but with a bunch of people.

That hasn’t actually happened with Zoom, but it has happened with FaceTime plenty of times. With FaceTime, the kids do not sit still and talk to their grandparents or whoever else calls, but instead run all over the house, giving everyone a peak at our messes and bralessness. Well, my bralessness. For Zoom, I’ve avoided that so far by plugging in my laptop at the end of the kitchen table in front of a shelf, which I dusted part of. (Not the whole shelf, just the part in view of the camera.) I love that the kids have the opportunity to connect with their classmates, and some of the kids’ comments are hilarious. Hopefully we can avoid the TMZ type exposé.

Touching on LM a little more, no surprise here, but he hasn’t really been into the homeschool aspect of quarantine homeschooling. (He loves the isolation, though.)

It’s hard to say “no” to that.

Our schools are shut down through the end of April (and we’ll see from there), so we’ll have plenty of time to get the hang of this thing, and maybe I’ll even tame my little lion cub.

What’s going on in your world?


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“V” Is For “Vasectomy.” And “Valium.”

After almost two weeks of homeschooling, I’m trying to figure out how I want to translate the experience to doodleverse. Do I talk about how I’m aging in dog years now or how I’m about to have a “Here’s Johnny!” moment? Hmm.

In the meantime, here’s an old post about the time my husband got a vasectomy.


A little over a year ago, my husband got a vasectomy. Before you go, “TMI, my friend, TMI,” you should know that the moments leading up to that procedure were hilarious (well, embarrassing at first, but hilarious later), and those moments are the basis of today’s post.

Between pushing 40, having two kids, and having a wife whose birth control packets were often only half used, my husband decided that a vasectomy was necessary. After it was scheduled, he was instructed to take a Valium the morning before surgery, something that he had never taken before. I hadn’t taken it before either, but we both assumed it would just loosen him up and help him relax a little.

It relaxed him, all right. It relaxed him to the point that the half hour leading up to surgery was simultaneously the most hilarious and embarrassing half hour I have ever spent in my life. Eventually I took to writing down his comments on my phone, since I knew they’d make for great blog material later.

Here’s how that half hour went…

Regarding another urologist who walked into the building:

After a bunch of nurses walked in, he loudly remarked:

When his urologist entered:

(Someone clearly didn’t read his vasectomy procedure packet.)

On a female patient who came in:

Thoughts on Valium, while kicked back in a chair in the waiting room:

Regarding a nurse who came in only five minutes early.

I have no idea what this one was about:

After the procedure was over:

(I wasn’t very amused there, since I was kind of on the fence about the procedure. I love all the babies.)

I vote that they should officially rename the vasectomy the “Snip-Snip-Sniparoo.” At the very least, they should add that plus “No more babies for you” to their educational material.

Which was your favorite Valium inspired comment?

That Time I Broke My Butt

Where my clumsy people at? Here’s a repost from March 2018 just for you.


I’m not known for being coordinated. Anyone who knows me in real life will think, “That’s the understatement of the year,” but that’s basically the truth. I’m not one of those people who can walk from one place to the other without tripping over something. Sometimes it’ll be a something that I didn’t see and other times it’ll be tripping over my own feet. Occasionally this leads to broken bones and scrapes, but mostly it just leads to my being pretty darn embarrassed.

Eighth grade was a lot of fun for middle school, but it wasn’t kind to me as far as my bone health went. Aside from breaking my foot after hopping a fence/rail type thing at Carowinds, there was also the incident that occurred when our grade went on a ski trip. My grandmother encouraged me to stay home from that trip. She knew. Obviously that wasn’t happening, since the ski trip was a pretty big deal, so I assured her that I would be fine and went.

Ha.

After we got to the ski lodge, I went through the thing they had set up for beginners and by lunch time, I was ready to go down the intermediate trail. So I went down it a couple of times to build up my confidence.

My confidence built up quickly. Too quickly.

The third time I went down, I decided to go down fast, so down the hill I went in a straight line, like a bullet.

About halfway down, I realized that I was going too fast. I knew that if I didn’t start slowing my ass down, I would going to crash into something or someone at the bottom. So, I turned my skis inward to try to slow down. Except I turned my skis in too much so that they crossed to form an X, and I lost my balance. Not good. I did a front flip, landed hard on my butt, and rolled down the hill.

Ouch.

My body hurt all over, but not as bad as my ego. A classmate helped me up, and I was done for the day. At least I got to enjoy half of the day.

The next day, my butt region was so sore that my grandma wouldn’t let me go to school and took me to the doctor. After doing an x-ray, the doctor told me that I fractured my tailbone. I was told to take it easy, no softball (and tryouts were the very next week), and that I should sit on a little cushion to stay comfy while it healed up.

After the weekend, I went to school with my cushion. I didn’t think anything about it until a friend snatched it up and exclaimed, “Erika, you got hemorrhoids?!” during homeroom. Heads turned.

I explained to her that no, I did not have hemorrhoids and that I had fractured my tailbone.

About eight years later, I decided to give skiing another try. This is how far I made it:

I totally froze up and wasn’t moving anywhere. My body knew right then that it had no business trying to go skiing, so after much discussion over whether or not we should stay and see if I changed my mind, we ended up asking for a refund. Even though there weren’t supposed to be any refunds, we were given one anyway. I suppose the look of sheer panic on someone’s face will bend the rules a bit.

Have you ever broken your ass? How about any other bones?

Apocalypse To-Do List

Head’s up before reading — this is in no way meant to minimize the hardships people are facing right now. As I mentioned in my first post back, humor is my way of dealing with trying situations. Continue on if you wish.

When rumors of schools closing and activities being called off ramped up last week, I saw a few folks mention looking for the bright side in the situation. “You’ll get to spend more time with you family and have a chance to catch up on projects on your to-do lists.” I’ll take any silver lining I can get, so I got out my notepad and jotted down some I wanted to get done since it seemed inevitable that a shutdown of some sort would occur. Since I’m a procrastinator and have neglected other to-do lists, I was able to come up with a lot of ideas, something that didn’t thrill my husband, since many items involved him. (I think it kills a tiny part of his soul every time he sees one of my lists.)

I’ve got my lists done now — yes, lists plural. There is a list for things I need to do, things I want to do, and things I should’ve done a long time ago. Aside from doodling for this blog, cleaning out the laundry room (ideally, only the washer, dryer, and things necessary to wash clothes would be in there, but instead it’s like a junk drawer…a 5′ by 10′ junk drawer), and keeping up with cleaning and the kids’ homeschool work, that’s all I have accomplished this week. The kids are out of school for at least one more week (I’d be very surprised if they go back April 1, though), so I have more time to not accomplish things.

On to the doodles.

Here are some sort of serious and sort of jokey to-do list items:

For the purposes of this post, I am now left-handed.

I have never shied away from talking about my boobs before, and I don’t plan to now. So, I haven’t left the house since last Friday, and I haven’t worn a bra since then, either. We needed a couple of things from Home Depot today, and my husband offered to let me go since I haven’t gone anywhere, but I wanted to see how long I can stay on this bra-free kick, so I declined.

Let’s see how well I think I’ll do with that to-do list…

Netflix, my old friend! Can’t blame anyone for starting off with a little bingewatching, right?

And who says a bingewatch can’t last for a week and a half?

Yeah, maybe that much TV isn’t healthy.

Going bra-less is contaminating my food. Send help. The shutdown doesn’t look very good on me.

Have a good and safe weekend.

What’s on your shutdown to-do list?

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My Little Artist

It has been more than a year since my last original post, and wow, things have changed so much around here. For starters, we’re older. Imagine that! Time passes and we age, it’s like we’re special or something!

The Artist Formerly Known As Little Man is 12 now and in middle school. Should I call him TAFKALM? Stick with Little Man, despite the growth spurt that has practically bankrupted us? Maybe go with The Sorta Man? Heh. And Baby Girl is five and in kindergarten. My babies are getting old on me.

The past year has been…real. Isn’t that what people say when there’s really too much to say? “It’s been real.” Things have been real on a parenting level, personal level, and whatever other level there is. Between that and getting rather burned out on the blog stuff, I’ve been away from the doodleverse. And now we’re all confined to the house like so many others thanks to the coronavirus, including my husband who is working home from again, and things are…well, they’re still real, but in a sense that frees up a large chunk of my time.

My calendar was slammed early last week, but it emptied real fast. No more spending close to three hours transporting children to/from school, going to the girl’s speech/occupational therapy appointments, taking them to soccer/theater practice, going to my own appointments, volunteering, running errands, or doing anything else besides going over the kids’ lessons with them. (Can you see that I’m trying to justify my absence with the busyness?) I don’t know how long this will go on more than anyone else, but in the meantime, I’m going to use some of that extra time on creative stuff like this blog.

Moving on to the doodles. I never really updated our looks from when I first started blogging in 2016, so I guess it’s time for that. Before I share the new photo, here’s how I originally doodled us when I started this blog:

So sweet, right? And here’s us in 2020:

Well, if I’m being truthful, it’s more like this with the 12-year-old:

I’m not including the new wrinkles or gray hairs or split ends or extra…baggage. We’ve got that in spades, but if the celebrities can get air-brushed for magazine covers, then I suppose I can do the doodled version of that for us. 😉 After Baby Girl begged to have her hair cut off, we can’t see anymore peaks of blond, so I darkened her hair up. (Maybe summer will bring them back.) I’ll likely doodle her with a hair bow if I can remember so she doesn’t look too much like younger Little Man. My husband now sports a nice beard. And if Little Man doesn’t stop growing, he’ll be taller than me before long. Ch-ch-changing!

As you can imagine, plenty has happened over the past year that is worth writing about. The girl is funnier than ever, after all. (As for the boy…well, like I said, he’s 12.) For the first post, I settled on something familiar–Baby Girl’s ability to cut to the quick. She can be quite savage with her comments, and here are a couple of old doodles that show that:

That was around Christmastime when she was three. Apparently Goodwill has a “No live persons/animals” policy.

And then there was the time when the boy tried teaching her some Yo Mama jokes, which backfired on him.

They might look different, but things haven’t changed much on that front with Baby Girl. She has developed a bit of a filter, but she doesn’t use it often with her brother. I feel like I should add that we correct her and so on, but it’s a work in progress.

Baby Girl got mad at Little Man last week for something I can’t remember. Rather than yell at him, she decided to work out her anger with her artwork, which we learned when she loudly described her drawing.

The drawing:

She also added that she put check marks on everyone she wanted, “which is everyone except Little Man.” We told BG that it wasn’t nice to say things like that and that such comments would hurt her brother’s feelings. (It did not; he snickered over it.) Baby Girl started drawing again, and this time she was more inclusive of her brother.

“I drew hearts for our ENTIRE family!” she said proudly and held up the drawing.

“I did them in everyone’s favorite color, too. However many hearts you have is how much I love that person. So, Mommy has five hearts, I have three hearts, Daddy has two hearts, and Little Man has one heart.”

Oof.

(She really loves me, though.)


Thanks for joining me again!

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It’s Comeback Time — Parenting Music

One of my mottoes is to “find the funny.” No matter what life throws my way, I feel like if I can find the humor in a given situation, then I can deal with it better. From what I can see on Facebook and Instagram, I think a lot of y’all feel that way, too. Take the coronavirus (or COVID-19, if you’re fancy). It’s awful, no doubt, but a lot of the memes that have resulted have lightened the mood in some moments. And we need that right now.

A fellow blog friend wrote a post mentioning upping her post count because the world needs more humor in it with all that’s going on. And that struck a chord. I had been thinking about making a new post on this blog for a while now (and I’ll get into the details of where we’ve been and what we’ve been doing in a new post), and her words made me realize that I should stop thinking about it and just do it.

(No, Nike isn’t giving me anything for saying that. And also, Nike, please don’t sue me for saying it, because that would suck.)

There might not be much I can do for folks, but I can put a little humor out there again. Or try to anyway, at least while we’re cooped up.

For my first post back, I’m reposting. I know that seems like cheating, because here I am talking about putting more humor into the world, yet I’m recycling something. Get out the pitchforks! 😉 I absolutely plan to post some new content in the next day or two, but part of my plan is to also include a couple of reposts per week. Some of these posts will be two or three years old, so that’s probably enough time for them not to be too fresh. (Unless you’re my daughter, who remembers every word anyone said ever.)

Here is one of the top posts on my blogs, which was posted in July 2020 2018, Parenting Music. (My husband read this and congratulated me on posting in the future. I was confused, and he pointed out that I said I originally made the post in 2020 instead of 2018. Oops.)


I know what y’all are thinking — “Not another post about Daddy Finger!” No worries. When I wrote that title, I absolutely was not referring to the crappy songs that we parents have to listen to. Not even a little.

Instead, I’m thinking more along the lines of “Songs I’ve heard before that I never thought could relate to parenting, but actually do.”

And that is a mouthful for a title, so I went with Parenting Music.

There are a lot of songs that take on more of a deeper meaning when you have kids. Some of those are sappy, and we don’t do sappy on this blog (well, at least not today), so I’m focusing on the songs parents can relate to in more of a “This totally sums up parenting” way.

NO DOUBT – DON’T SPEAK

When certain individuals have talked for 20 minutes straight about Minecraft and I feel like my head is going to explode, this song applies. When other individuals have talked nonstop about which character from The Incredibles or Peppa Pig they want to be, or like the best, or want for Christmas or…you get the idea…this song applies. And when other individuals talk nonstop about Microsoft Excel and spreadsheets and Pivot tables, this song applies. Oops, the last one goes to my husband and not the kids, but still — DON’T SPEAK!

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

It really does hurt. My head. It hurts my head.

DMX – PARTY UP

This should be every parent’s anthem. It’s perfect for any situation where the kids are acting like little heathens and you want to express how they’re making you feel without letting loose a string of cuss words.

A little side story to this one — before a few months ago, I didn’t know who sang the Y’all Gonna Make Me Lose My Mind song (as I called it) or any of the lyrics beyond the chorus. At any rate, I knew the chorus for some reason, which I sang whenever the kids did something that made me want to drop four-letter words.

Little Man took a liking to that song, and I’m pretty sure he intentionally pushed my buttons at times to get me to sing it. Anyway, one day he asked about the song, and I told him that I didn’t know all of it and offered to look it up on YouTube for him. I typed in “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind” on YouTube, clicked an official looking video, and went back to whatever I was doing when my husband came in and about had a cow when he realized what LM was listening to.

For the record, the lyrics sound completely garbled to my crappy ears.

Well, no, of course not, but based on those few lines in the chorus, how bad could it be?

He told me to pull up the lyrics. I did. Yikes.

STING – I’LL BE WATCHING YOU

Y’all know how it is with kids. They are constantly eagle eyeing you, especially when you’re trying to sneak a cookie after you’ve told them no more junk, or are trying to check your texts after you’ve declared screens banned for the rest of the day. It doesn’t stop there with my kids, though. They’re straight up little stalkers. It doesn’t matter whether I’m on the toilet, asleep, or brushing my teeth, someone is usually there watching me.

It gets straight up creepy at times.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every poop you take
Every curse you make
I’ll be watching you

No, I’ll Be Watching You didn’t need a rewrite at all to be declared a parenting song, but I tweaked it anyway.

MC HAMMER – U CAN’T TOUCH THIS

What is it with kids touching everything? Even older kids can’t keep their hands off shit. Stop touching my phone, my snacks, and my toys.

Stop grabbing my tampons, my shampoo, and my pens. For the love of God, not the pens! I am very particular about the kind of ink pens I use (I prefer the Zebra stainless steel fine point pens or the Pilot Precise V5 pens), and they are always putting their grubby little fingers on them, which means they get lost. Don’t touch this!

Maybe if I adopted some of MC Hammer’s dance moves and sang out “You can’t touch this!” they’d be more inclined to stop. At least the older one would out of embarrassment, I hope.

DESTINY’S CHILD – SAY MY NAME

They say “the” is the most commonly used word in the English language. All parents know this isn’t the case when it comes to kids, though. Some variation of “Mom” or “Dad” is used at least ten times as much as “the,” and while it is often said in a way that can make your heart melt, it can also be said in a way that makes you die a little inside.

Say my name, say my name
The kids are always around you
Saying “Mama I need you”
Won’t you play another game
Say my name, say my name

Don’t say my name! Especially when you do it in a Feeny Call sort of way!

BONUS: BACKSTREET BOYS – I WANT IT THAT WAY

I don’t know which is worse, this song or the kids demanding to have everything Burger King style, but either way, the song is relevant.

The ultimate parenting version of the song:

Tell me why
Ain’t nothin’ but a headache
Tell me why
Ain’t nothin’ but a migraine
Tell me why
I never want to hear you say
I want it that way


A) What’s new in your world?

B) What song would you dub a parenting song after having kids? 

Follow along on Facebook and share with any friends who need cheering up! 

Hello, Tweendom

My son will turn 11 next week. When he turned 10 last year, he was still in that “little boy” phase. He didn’t look much different than he did when he was in second grade and showed no signs of puberty being close. So, when he announced that he was in his tweens, I chuckled to myself, since he still seemed like a little boy. This year, however, things are very different.

To start off, the boy has shot up 5 inches since this time last year. We have bought so many clothes over the past year, and since he’s still in growth spurt phase (as he has been for the past five months it seems), the jeans we bought him on Black Friday are getting close to being too short. His voice has gotten a little deeper, too. If you compare his school picture to the past three (which all looked almost exactly the same), there’s no doubt that he has left those little boy years behind. And if the growth spurt and everything wasn’t proof enough, then the behavior sure is.

I’ve heard parents complain about the tween years. “They hate us, they think we’re wrong about everything, they’re grumble and complain all the time…” I thought to myself that surely my good-natured little boy would never go down the path of the Dark Side, but you know how the my-kid-will-never works out, right?

The Look has become a fixture in our lives lately.

If pictures below look anything like your life, then you just might be raising a tween. Or a three-year-old.

Just kidding. I see a fair amount of that surliness, but not all the time, of course.

Wish me luck.

What’s new in your world? 

Catch You On The Flippity-Flip, 2018!

Since I’m often running behind, I’m a little late saying goodbye to 2018. I could have done that yesterday, but I forgot. Lateness and forgetfulness…if I were a New Year’s resolutions sort of person, I’d probably address that. But I’m not, so you can continue expecting tardiness and absentminded stuff from me.

To officially say goodbye to 2018, I’d like to tip my hat to the top five posts from last year. This is based on the number of views for the posts published in 2018.

How To Lose A Mom Friend In 10 Days

In this post: I give you some tips for ditching annoying mom friends. This was my most viewed and most commented on post that was published in 2018 and had over 100 likes.

This post was published last July, and you can find it here.

Parenting Music

In this post: I talk about how the meaning of song lyrics changes after having kids. Also in this post…I make you question my abilities as a mother after showing my son a video for the DMX song Party Up.

This post was also published last July, and you can find it here.

That Time I Went Skiing

In this post: you read about a girl in middle school being clumsy and embarrassing herself by breaking her ass.

This post was published last March, and you can find it here.

Parenting Drinking Game

In this post: it’s pretty self-explanatory — it’s a game that involves drinking, and it’s intended for parents. A word of caution — unless your children are little angels (and don’t tell us if they are, because we’ll be jealous and hate you), then you’ll probably die if you try to play this game.

This post was published last May, and you can find it here.

Parenting Advice: Freaking Socks

In this post: I try my hand at giving out parenting advice, and the biggest thing I could come up with after 10 years of parenting was to advise you guys not to buy your kids matching socks. It was funnier than it sounds.

This post was published last October, and you can find it here. (And I realize that I promised this would be a series, but I never followed through on that. I have a draft, if that counts.)

What I learned from my top 5: y’all like posts that are — at a minimum — borderline inappropriate. You guys especially like posts that encourage you to be a bit assholish. I’ll take this lesson into 2019 and try to give the people what they want.

Which Dorky Mom Doodles post did you really like in 2018? AND, what was your favorite post you published to your own blog in 2018 — share a link!

I [Can’t] Show You The World

Little Man developed an interest in acting last year and got involved with the community playhouse. My husband and I were thrilled to see him so interested in something that wasn’t Fortnite or Transformers. (Both of those are awesome, but variety, yo.) We were talking about the acting thing several weeks ago, and my husband said he wondered who he got his talent from, since it wasn’t from us.

That reminded me of a story from when I was in middle school, because I actually did attempt a couple of plays when I was younger.

Eighth grade wasn’t the best year for me. Aside from constantly being given shit for liking Hanson and breaking my tailbone while skiing, I tried out for the school play. This doesn’t sound like a bad thing — hell, I made an attempt at something and tried to broaden my horizons — but sometimes the good stuff just isn’t enough to outweigh the bad. The bad being me.

Remember this?

The play was Aladdin. The part was Jasmine.

Let me tell you something about myself — I’m either slack or Leslie Knope. There’s no in-between. I’m either not gonna do something at all, or I’m gonna go at it so hard that you may very well question my sanity. I went full Knope for the play. I went over my lines constantly. I practiced in front of the mirror to make sure my facial expressions were on point. When audition day rolled around, I knew every single line. I didn’t have much hope of getting the part, since I was a tall, awkward dork and that didn’t really fit the role, but I was ready.

The time came. I had to audition in front of three people. The first part of the audition went fantastic. I totally nailed the lines, and I impressed the teachers since I had already memorized all of the lines for Jasmine.

And then they asked me to sing.

I knew the I Can Show You the World song, of course. I had practiced singing it many times. I would plug my headphones into my keyboard and play the song while singing. Sometimes I’d sing it in the shower (and if you’ve ever sung in the shower, then you know it isn’t really representative of how you really sing).

Three things were missing from that audition: my keyboard, my headphones, and steam. I assumed they would play the music from the CD player, but that didn’t happen either, so it was just my voice.

You hear about people doing difficult and challenging things all the time. Some people run marathons. Others climb mountains. The truly brave people clean their kids’ car seats. Let me tell you, fully singing that song was probably one of the toughest things I have done, because as soon as I sang the first line and heard what I really sounded like without headphones, steam, or super loud music blaring in the background, I realized how awful I was. The look on the judges’ faces confirmed this.

I don’t know why they didn’t stop me. My voice cracked in spots, I sorta talked some lines of the song, and I can’t imagine that anyone could sound more out of tune than I did. Maybe they wanted to spare my feelings or wanted something to laugh about in the teachers’ lounge later. Or, maybe they were just so taken aback by someone sounding so terrible that they were paralyzed and just couldn’t force their mouths to move to tell me to shut up. It was the sort of audition that American Idol probably would’ve aired.

After I wrapped up the song, I waited for feedback. Wanna know what’s worse than someone looking at you with a horrified look on their face? Silence.

Finally, one of the judges thanked me for auditioning, so I gave a double thumbs up and dashed out of the room.

I did not get the part, of course. I did get another part, but that part had zero singing. I gave the acting thing a try again a year later in high school, but that play also required singing, and after getting fussed at for lip syncing, I let that be my last role.

Oh, yeah — to add insult to injury, when I told my grandmother about the audition, she cackled. “I’m not surprised, because you can’t sing worth a lick!”

What’s something you tried to do where you crashed and burned in a spectacular way?

Having trouble with your New Years resolutions already? Then, if you haven’t read my book “Don’t Lick That!” yet, pop over to Amazon and download a copy to read to ring in the New Year. It won’t help you keep your resolutions, but reading about my mishaps will make you feel better about your own life. 

OMG We’re Boring!

“Did anything funny happen over Christmas?” I asked my husband. After racking my brain, I couldn’t think of anything, but surely that was just my spotty mommy-brain memory. My family doing nothing funny? After going to three different places for Christmas? It couldn’t be.

“I don’t think so,” my husband said.

Next, I asked Little Man. His answer was to write about a funny comment his dad made. Unfortunately, the funny comment was insulting a dish someone at one of the gatherings had prepared, so I didn’t think that would be appropriate. Baby Girl was next.

Okay.

That’s funny,  but in a cute “boy-that’s-freaking-odd” kind of way. (BTW, when I showed her that doodle, she said he was dancing to “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” and that I needed to draw a Do Not Enter road sign dancing next.)

So, nothing super funny happened over the holidays. My banana puddings turned out good, all of the chocolate-dipped treats were good, and my fruit salad — highly difficult dish to prepare — was good. Despite cooking an entire meal on Christmas Eve (and, yes, I want a pat on the back for that), I had no cooking mishaps whatsoever. I did make a funny with a dessert tray I brought to my mother-in-law’s house, but that’s more of a “here’s the picture” deal instead of being doodle-worthy.

Come to think of it, we didn’t even do anything funny with Rufus, our Elf on the Shelf, this year. Usually, we at least make him do something very inappropriate for our (the parents’) pleasure — like the year when he appeared with a “Back Like Cooked Crack” sign — but we didn’t do anything along those lines. He moved most days, but just from spot to spot and not in an over-the-top Pinterest way.

The funniest thing I can think of for this Christmas is Baby Girl’s holiday photos. After taking multiple pictures in multiple places, this was the theme she had going on:

And that’s funny in a “LOL she can’t smile” way…not quite as funny if you were there for the moments that led up to those grumpy faces! (The last three were all at the same place — the church where she goes to preschool. Everything was beautifully decorated and she was dressed up and wearing a ribbon in her hair, so it seemed like the perfect time to try to get pictures for the Christmas card.)

The Dorky family must be losing their touch. But, hey, I created a post and some doodles from almost nothing, so there ya go.

Do you have any Christmas funnies to share?

If you haven’t read my book “Don’t Lick That!” yet, pop over to Amazon and download a copy to read before the year is over. (Nothing happens to the book  when 2018 expires, but we can pretend like something will if that makes you click quicker.)