I Survived

If you aren’t on my personal Instagram or Facebook pages, then you may be wondering whether or not I survived snow tubing. Since Hell doesn’t have the Internet yet and I’m not posting in ghost-mode, I survived!

We went with an indoor snow tubing place. You see, I didn’t realize that you had to take a chair lift or tram up the side of a mountain to get to the snow tubing place we originally wanted to go to. Just thinking about that makes my heart rate go up. I’m not even gonna doodle this, because I want your heart rate to go up, too, so here’s an image from TripAdvisor.

See? Holy cow! I’ll ride most roller coasters, but there is something about being suspended over the side of a mountain by a cable that makes me nope out completely.

So, indoor snow tubing place it was. Baby Girl wouldn’t get on the snow tube, but the rest of us had a good time with it. I was pretty darn terrified at times, because going fast down a hill, spinning, and worrying about tipping over and breaking my neck can do that, but I still enjoyed it.

I didn’t fall going up the escalator (yes, an escalator) to the top of the hill, I didn’t fall down the hill while trying to sit on the tube, and I didn’t break anything.

The only time I had a near-death experience was when I rode back from the snow tubing place with my mother-in-law. Let’s just say that taking mountain curves at 65 MPH is more terrifying than the thoughts of riding a tram up the side of a mountain.

Death flashed before my very eyes.

(And my mother-in-law is probably reading this now and thinking, “But did you die?” No, I didn’t, but, you know I can’t pass up a chance to tease you.)

It was a very fun short trip away! We took the kids to do the Polar Express train ride last night, and we all loved it. They came out dancing to the “Hot Chocolate” song just like in the movie. I was mildly disappointed they didn’t dance with the hot chocolate in their hands, though. (Yeah, I knew there was only a .00001% chance that would happen, but I held out hope.)

Now that we have that trip out of the way, we can focus on our Christmas Movie Marathon, baking, and crafty type things.

Instead of asking you a question to wrap up the post, I’m going to create a poll…

If y’all don’t hear anything from me after this post, it’s because she has killed me. #RIPDorkyMom


Now that the “Don’t Lick That!” eBook giveaway at Pretty In Baby Food is over, you can try your chances at the giveaway Candy is hosting at Geek Mamas. If you don’t want to wait, then you can snag the eBook here and the paperback here.

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#TBT: That Time I Broke My Ass

Right now I’m sitting in my car heading to the mountains. And I’m wearing my headphones, so I’m not having to listen to the kids complain. #ParentingWin and also, #PrayForMyHusband. While we’re on our short trip, we plan to go snow tubing. As such, I thought sharing this old post would be appropriate. Keep my butt in your thoughts and prayers…


I’m not known for being coordinated. Anyone who knows me in real life will be thinking, “That’s the understatement of the year,” but that’s basically the truth. I’m not one of those people who can walk from one place to the other without tripping over something. Sometimes it’ll be a something that I didn’t see and other times it’ll be tripping over my own feet. Occasionally this leads to broken bones and scrapes, but mostly it just leads to my being pretty darn embarrassed.

Eighth grade was a lot of fun for middle school, but it wasn’t kind to me as far as my bone health went. Aside from breaking my foot after hopping a fence/rail type thing at Carowinds, there was also the incident that occurred when our grade went on a ski trip.

My grandmother encouraged me to stay home from that trip, by the way. She knew. Obviously that wasn’t happening, since the ski trip was a pretty big deal, so I assured her that I would be fine and went.

Ha.

After we got to the ski lodge, I went through the thing they had set up for beginners and by lunch time, I was ready to go down the intermediate trail. So I went down it a couple of times to build up my confidence.

My confidence built up quickly. Too quickly.

The third time I went down, I decided to go down fast, so down the hill I went in a straight line, like a bullet.

About halfway down, I realized that I was going too fast. I knew that if I didn’t start slowing my ass down, I would going to crash into something or someone at the bottom. So, I turned my skis inward to try to slow down. Except I turned my skis in too much so that they crossed to form an X, and I lost my balance. Not good. I did a front flip, landed hard on my butt, and rolled down the hill.

Ouch.

My body hurt all over, but not as bad as my ego. A classmate helped me up, and I was done for the day. At least I got to enjoy half of the day.

The next day, my butt region was so sore that my grandma wouldn’t let me go to school and took me to the doctor.

After doing an x-ray, the doctor told me that I fractured my tailbone. I was told to take it easy, no softball (and tryouts were the very next week), and that I should sit on a little cushion to stay comfy while it healed up.

After the weekend, I went to school with my cushion. I didn’t think anything about it until a friend snatched it up and exclaimed, “Erika, you got hemorrhoids?!” during homeroom. Heads turned.

I explained to her that no, I did not have hemorrhoids and that I had fractured my tailbone.

About eight years later, I decided to give skiing another try. This is how far I made it:

I totally froze up and wasn’t moving anywhere. My body knew right then that it had no business trying to go skiing, so after much discussion over whether or not we should stay and see if I changed my mind, we ended up asking for a refund. Even though there weren’t supposed to be any refunds, we were given one anyway. I suppose the look of sheer panic on someone’s face will bend the rules a bit.

Have you ever broken your ass? How about any other bones?


Time to plug the book!

Rachel at Pretty In Baby Food had some lovely things to say about “Don’t Lick That!” Check out the review on her blog, plus enter the giveaway on her site to win a copy of the book. If you already purchased the book, enter anyway — if you win, you can gift the code to a friend that you think would enjoy the book!

“Don’t Lick That!” is available for purchase as an eBook on Amazon and as a paperback through Amazon or Barnes and Noble. (Amazon has free shipping for Prime users, but right now things are glitchy, saying shipping will take a while, so keep an eye out for that. This isn’t an issue with B&N.) If you have a Kindle Unlimited subscription, you can read the book for free. If you purchase the book and enjoy it, please consider leaving feedback on Amazon, B&N, or Goodreads.

And We’re Back

Am I too old/mommyish to add “like cooked crack” to that title? Probably? Very well, then, I’ll just leave it at, “And we’re back.”

We got back from our Carnival cruise on Saturday, but shortly after getting home and taking a shower (and shaving my legs, which was the main thing), I was off to the urgent care to get my ankle and leg X-rayed.

This is how the second day of vacation went:

I slipped in the water area and slammed my leg on a stone tile corner and twisted my ankle. Ouch. (For the record, there were probably 100 people out there on their lounge chairs, but since I avoided making eye contact with anyone after that fall, I’m not doodling them.)

I’m the Queen of Clumsy, so wiping out wasn’t much of a surprise. I was able to get around okay during the vacation (largely due to the part of my leg that I fell on remaining numb the whole time, which is wearing off now). But by the time I got home, the swelling in my leg was so bad down to my ankle that I couldn’t get my Crocs on all the way and between that and the numbness that remained in my leg, I was encouraged to get an X-ray. The doctor initially thought I had a fracture and put me in a walking boot, but messaged me later and said it might be something else and to wear the boot and follow up with Ortho. So that’s what I’m doing.

That aside — and a few Baby Girl tantrums aside — the vacation was a blast. We went to the Bahamas again and had a stop in Princess Cays (very pretty) and Nassau. Little Man and I had booked an excursion to swim with the dolphins at Balmoral Island, and I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to do it because of my leg/foot at first, but we made it and had fun. Balmoral Island was absolutely beautiful with crystal clear water, so hopefully we’ll make it back there soon!

Baby Girl loved the “Mahamas” as she called it, even though she was a little confused on what, exactly, the Mahamas were. At first she thought it was Charleston, and then she thought it was the cruise ship, and then she thought it was Fort Moultrie or Sumter (out of Charleston Harbor).

I also had a bit of confusion myself as we left Charleston. I saw a boat pull up alongside us and spotted a big gun, which I loudly announced.

I had visions of modern-day pirates running through my head, but as my husband pointed out, it was just the Coast Guard. Sorry for the alarm, fellow passengers (who still aren’t doodled).

The kids really enjoyed themselves. Between the pool, water slides, arcade, and other stuff, they didn’t complain about being bored or whine about screens a single time. Baby Girl loved being able to get ice cream 24/7, too. One morning we did the Green Eggs and Ham breakfast, which was really cool. Little Man was the only one brave enough to try the green eggs, though! We took the kids to a couple of the PG rated comedy shows, and Baby Girl almost made one of the comedians lose it when she did an extremely loud fake laugh after everyone else finished laughing a few times. Lordy.

Usually I’m glad to be back home by the end of the vacation, but that’s not the case this time, which is a testament to how fun it was. Also, Laundry Mountain is back, and I really don’t wanna fold clothes. (And, since I’m writing this post three days after getting home, it should really all be taken care of by now.)

So, yeah…good times, great memories made!

I’ve got over 100 emails from blog subscriptions to catch up on, so I’ll be dropping by soon. I’m glad everyone seemed to enjoy my throwback posts from last week! 

#AtoZChallenge: ‘U’ is for “Uh Oh”

Today’s Blast to the Past post is a repeat from when we went on vacation last year. I cut the length of the post down a bit.

Remember when I posted about the odd — but not really bad — sunburn I got a couple weeks ago? Despite sunscreen and an umbrella, I got a weird sunburn on my leg. Odd, but no biggie. This vacation — despite plenty of preventative measures — I got the real deal of sunburns.

Yes, the most aspire to is a few splotchy tanned areas and red cheeks.

I made the mistake of not wearing my cover-up for a while and got a nasty burn on my chest. Other parts of me were dark pink/reddish and this part was more of a Merlot color it was so dark. The worst part (aside what legit feels like nerve pain in that area)? I got a nice reminder of how my body is doing gravity-wise when I take off my bra. You ladies know what I’m talking about. I think. Every damn shift or sway, I not only get a nice jolt of pain, but also get reminded that things ain’t where they once was. (Channeling my inner country girl on that last bit.)

Non-gravity defying breasts aside, let’s talk about what a kid should be excited about when going on vacation. Little Man counts down the days until he gets to get on water slides, body board in the ocean, and dig in the sand. Baby Girl gets excited about something different.

Before we went on vacation, I asked Baby Girl what she wanted to do at the beach.

“See the ice cream man!” she answered. I was rather impressed with her memory of getting ice cream at the beach a year ago, but that wasn’t quite what I was going for. True to her word, though, this is what she looked forward to every single day.

Spend hundreds of dollars on a vacation for the kid to care about a sweet treat that costs two bucks.

“I gonna see the ice cream man today?” she’d ask after waking up in the morning. The same question would be repeated twenty minutes later, after breakfast, in between breakfast and lunch, during lunch, etc. And finally the music from the ice cream truck would play and her dad would take her to pick something out.

And, I kid you not, if you ask her what kind of ice cream she had on vacation, Baby Girl will tell you all five of the different types of cones and popsicles she had. Again, her memory is most impressive.

Now for the last vacation expectation vs. reality. Since Baby Girl is getting older, there are certain things I expect of her — namely not eating poop or crapping in the tub. Anything gross that’s related to poop, really. I’ve been pooped on in the tub a few times, but now she tells us if she has to go. As Little Man would say, “Thank Zeus!” As such, I expect the same from her when swimming. Water’s water, so give us a head’s up so we can head to the bathroom, right?

Wrong.

Just a reminder — the squiggly marks on me are from sunburn, not poop.

She did tell me about the poop — after the fact. Just as I stood her up on the edge of the pool to jump in for a cannonball, she told me that she had pooped.

Uh-oh.

Sure enough, when I glanced down at her crotch area, I saw watery streams of poop coming out. For the record, she was wearing a Little Swimmer diaper, but it was no match for Baby Girl’s bowels. I’ll spare you the details from there, but just know that some beach towels were ruined and that I had to avoid eye contact with people.

All in all, it was a great trip. We spent the majority of our time either by the water or in the water, which is what it’s all about for me. In the past, it has been a challenge to get Baby Girl to even touch the sand or ocean water without tears, so it was awesome to see her work her way up to digging in it a little and splashing around. As Borat would say, “Great success!”

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

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Umbrella Drinks

My husband, Little Man, and I went on a cruise to the Bahamas a few years ago. I know not everyone is a fan of cruises, but I enjoy them — tasty food, trivia, and all the fruity rum drinks I can stand brought directly to my lounge chair. (Plus the ocean and all that.) What’s not to love, aside from bar tab charges that cost more than the actual cruise fare?

As you’ve likely gathered from those first few lines, I imbibed a little on that cruise. Not excessively so (the only time a bar tab was truly more expensive than the cruise fare was on a cruise I went on in college, drank for the first time, and generously bought multiple rounds for others), but I did enjoy a few of those glorious fruity concoctions. Some of them even came in pricey little mugs shaped like coconuts and whale tails, something you’re far more likely to purchase after the first drink or two.

Today’s doodle comes from one of the many times I’ve been made aware of one of the universal parenting truths — the one where kids pick up on everything. Sometime after the cruise, Little Man was playing with his toy kitchen making dinner for us. He brought out a notepad to take our orders and later came back with our meals. I can’t remember exactly what he brought us to eat, but I do remember the drink.

Nothing gets past him. I got another umbrella drink recently when Little Man was playing with his sister’s toy kitchen and stuck her ice cream cart umbrella in a cup for me. That’s my boy, always thinking of his mama.


I started writing this post in July, so it has been sitting in my drafts folder for more than four months. Whoa. In that time, my husband and I have booked another cruise (just the two of us this time), bought passports for just in case, and will be heading down to Florida to get on the boat at three in the morning on Thursday. It’s supposed to be a combination of a birthday present (my birthday was last Friday — I’m 34…whoa again — and my husband’s is in January…he’ll be 40, so double whoa) and Christmas present to ourselves.

We are a combination of anxious and excited. I’m super anxious over leaving the kids for three days and being that far away, and my husband is pretty excited over leaving the kids for three days and being that far away. To ease my nerves a little, I’ve purchased the all-you-can-drink option. For the record, “All you can drink” really means “You get 15 drinks per day and then you’re cut off.” So, no, I won’t be making Carnival rethink their unlimited drinks package. 😉

My friend bought me this shirt for my birthday — because as we all know, best friends love nothing more than encouraging negative behaviors in each other — so I’ll be ready.

In reality, though, now that I’m over 30, this is the shirt I’ll probably need (something I forgot while purchasing that drink pass):


While I was on yet another blogging break, A Vodka Kind of Mom included me a featured blogger on her site! You can check out the interview here and find out the craziest thing I’ve ever done. (Spoiler alert: the answer is pretty vanilla.)

So, what’s new in y’all’s worlds? Between the 18 hours of driving and spending at least one day of the cruise chillaxing (I’m not too old to use that, right?) and reading by the pool, I’m determined to play blog catch up, but in the meantime, fill me in on what’s going on in your world. 

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on FacebookTwitter, and Bloglovin.

If you’re an Amazon addict like I am (or are trying to avoid the stores while making your holiday purchases), then use this link to do your shopping. I may earn a small commission that will go towards my kids’ college educations new Converses. 

Summer Busyness

Things have been busy. And I mean busy. With only a couple weeks left until Little Man starts back school, we’ve been trying to do everything left on our summer list. My lists are always very…ambitious. I way over plan things. Whether it’s what I’m going to get done around the house with a few hours to myself or what we’re going to do during summer vacation, I always plan for about four times as much as is possible to do.

As such, I am a bit behind on blogging. I have started over a dozen drafts, but haven’t gotten anything together yet. And I won’t even start on how far behind I am on reading blogs. But, we are doing so much around here. We’re painting and hiding rocks as part of the Kindness Rocks Project, doing science experiments, doing lots of artsy stuff, and are going lots of fun places. We’re making all kinds of memories! (And I’m fulfilling lots of orders for my little vinyl decal side thing, which is great, too.)

Here are a couple of quick doodles I did last week. Hopefully I’ll finish one of my drafts over the next couple of days and play a little catch up on reading y’all’s posts. I’ll probably wait until school starts back to do the next guest post doodle.

My husband vs. me. And, hey, arms that don’t look like penises!
They never take just one bite.

How is your summer going so far? 

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Vacation Expectations vs. Reality

Another family vacation bites the dust. As I mentioned in another post, we went back to Myrtle Beach and spent several nights at a fun resort. (“Fun resort” means there were water slides and splash pads for the kids and a poolside bar for the parents.) There were no major hiccups while we were away, every day was either overcast or sunny, and Baby Girl’s in-restaurant meltdowns were fewer than in the past. Winning!

Now we’re trying to get back into the swing of things. The luggage is mostly unpacked and put away, which is a step up from in the past, when I ignored a suitcase full of stuff for more than a week. (No, I’m not going to specify how long.) I’m also trying to organize all of our summer activities, plan Baby Girl’s birthday party, and catch up on dozens of blog posts. And there’s the matter of my own blog, of course. I’m sure some of y’all are in withdrawal mode, going without a Dorky Mom post for over a week. (And some of y’all might be thinking, “Back so soon?” Hehe.)

Since I know y’all are chomping at the bit for some details, I’ll give you a few. And I’ll save some for later, as my kids definitely gave me more material for this blog.

Here goes.

Remember when I posted about the odd — but not really bad — sunburn I got a couple weeks ago? Despite sunscreen and an umbrella, I got a weird sunburn on my leg. Odd, but no biggie. This vacation — despite plenty of preventative measures — I got the real deal of sunburns.

Yes, the most aspire to is a few splotchy tanned areas and red cheeks.

I made the mistake of not wearing my cover-up for a while and got a nasty burn on my chest. Other parts of me were dark pink/reddish and this part was more of a Merlot color it was so dark. The worst part (aside what legit feels like nerve pain in that area)? I got a nice reminder of how my body is doing gravity-wise when I take off my bra. You ladies know what I’m talking about. I think. Every damn shift or sway, I not only get a nice jolt of pain, but also get reminded that things ain’t where they once was. (Channeling my inner country girl on that last bit.)

Non-gravity defying breasts aside, let’s talk about what a kid should be excited about when going on vacation. Little Man counts down the days until he gets to get on water slides, body board in the ocean, and dig in the sand. Baby Girl gets excited about something different.

Before we went on vacation, I asked Baby Girl what she wanted to do at the beach.

“See the ice cream man!” she answered. I was rather impressed with her memory of getting ice cream at the beach a year ago, but that wasn’t quite what I was going for. True to her word, though, this is what she looked forward to every single day.

Spend hundreds of dollars on a vacation for the kid to care about a sweet treat that costs two bucks.

“I gonna see the ice cream man today?” she’d ask after waking up in the morning. The same question would be repeated twenty minutes later, after breakfast, in between breakfast and lunch, during lunch, etc. And finally the music from the ice cream truck would play and her dad would take her to pick something out.

And, I kid you not, if you ask her what kind of ice cream she had on vacation, Baby Girl will tell you all five of the different types of cones and popsicles she had. Again, her memory is most impressive.

Now for the last vacation expectation vs. reality. Since Baby Girl is getting older, there are certain things I expect of her — namely not eating poop or crapping in the tub. Anything gross that’s related to poop, really. I’ve been pooped on in the tub a few times, but now she tells us if she has to go. As Little Man would say, “Thank Zeus!” As such, I expect the same from her when swimming. Water’s water, so give us a head’s up so we can head to the bathroom, right?

Wrong.

Just a reminder — the squiggly marks on me are from sunburn, not poop.

She did tell me about the poop — after the fact. Just as I stood her up on the edge of the pool to jump in for a cannonball, she told me that she had pooped. Sure enough, when I glanced down at her crotch area, I saw watery streams of poop coming out. For the record, she was wearing a Little Swimmer diaper, but it was no match for Baby Girl’s bowels. I’ll spare you the details from there, but just know that some beach towels were ruined and that I had to avoid eye contact with people.

All in all, it was a great trip. We spent the majority of our time either by the water or in the water, which is what it’s all about for me. In the past, it has been a challenge to get Baby Girl to even touch the sand or ocean water without tears, so it was awesome to see her work her way up to digging in it a little and splashing around. As Borat would say, “Great success!”

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Family Vacation

The family and I are headed to Myrtle Beach tomorrow morning. Well, the plan is to head out tomorrow morning, but if I know my slow, disorganized family well at all, then we probably won’t make it out the door until after lunchtime. Drama over how many toys a child is allowed to bring will almost surely happen. If we’re lucky, though, maybe we’ll remember to bring our underwear, bras, and swimsuits. Somehow those things always get left behind and a trip to Target is necessary. Sometimes I think my husband believes I intentionally forget things just so we can stop at Target, but that isn’t the case.

Those of you who read my post about my and my husband’s anniversary trip know that we had a relaxing time at Myrtle Beach a week and a half ago. It was amazing. No “I hate the water!” or “I hate the sand!” or “Hey, I’ve got poops!” to get in the way of relaxation. (Well, no poops that I had to manage, anyway.)

This coming week will be different. Very different. I have no doubt that we’ll have an amazing time and make some wonderful memories, but y’all know how it is with little kids. They’ll try their damnedest to make sure relaxing doesn’t happen and make sure the bags under your eyes pre-vacation are twice as big post-vacation. Mama’s got an umbrella drink? Let’s get sand in it. Daddy’s trying to listen to music for a few minutes? Let’s get sand on him. We’re all nice and clean and ready to go out for a good meal? Let’s get sand coordinate meltdowns of epic proportions so Mom and Dad get to do the walk of shame and haul us out.

Remember this?

Things are definitely gonna change.

Bye bye, relaxation.

Bye bye, voodoo juice bucket (most likely).

Okay, maybe the shade and the beach bag won’t really disappear, but only crossing out one or two things wasn’t as dramatic.

Hello, family vacation.

And hello, judgmental strangers.

Not pictured is the fishing rod and net that Little Man wants to bring. I imagine that he’ll inspire a doodle with those.

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter,  Instagram, and Bloglovin. You can also vote for me as a Top Mom Blogger here

Force Sun Ray Attack

My husband and I went away this past weekend to celebrate our upcoming anniversary. The anniversary isn’t for a few more days, but we’ll be going on our family vacation right after our anniversary and didn’t want to do that much driving back to back. After much talk, we ended up going to Myrtle Beach, which is also where we’re going for our vacation — clearly we aren’t “variety is the spice of life” people.

One thing that you should know about me is that I’m pretty white. Casper looks like he’s been hitting up the tanning bed compared to me. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but trust me — the non-freckled over parts of my body definitely have a ghastly pallor. It probably goes without saying that I burn very easily. Sunscreen, cover-ups or t-shirts, and shade are absolute musts for me at the beach if I don’t want to be slathering bottle after bottle of aloe vera gel all over my body later. (The shade is also a must if I want to hang out on the beach for more than 15 minutes without feeling like I’m going to puke — I don’t do heat very well, which can be rough living in the South.)

You’d think that between the umbrella, cover-up, and dusting of sunscreen so thick that other people gagged when they passed by the fog, that I’d finish the beach day unscathed. But, much like my ovaries, the sun hates me and was determined to find a way to mark me.

See all that lovely shade? Not pictured is the sunscreen fog, which I made sure to apply routinely. Also not pictured is my husband with the darker skin that doesn’t burn (not that I’m jealous), because I’m lazy and didn’t want to draw two people.

Those preventative measures were no match for the sun.

Forget force lightning attacks — we now have force sun ray strikes.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and clearly the Evil Kool-Aid Man sun was dead set on getting at me.

Technically the burn is on the inside of my left leg (which is even more in the shade), but that wouldn’t show up so good on the drawing, so artistic license and all that.

First things first — that isn’t much of a burn. I’ll acknowledge that straightaway. It stung like hell in the hot tub, but that’s about it. So, as someone who has had severe sunburns in the past, I know that I made out pretty good on this beach trip. But that’s not really the point. The point is — look at it. That leg was under the umbrella and multiple coats of sunscreen. Yet the sun worked its mojo and gave me that odd burn that looks like I’d broken out into hives or something. This is what happens nearly every time I go to the beach — lots of skin safety measures taken and lots of funky, splotchy burns.

All the sun silliness aside, we had a wonderful and relaxing time. It was nice experiencing what the beach could be like without two kids who are determined to stuff sand in your mouth and complain about the salt in the ocean water nonstop. I’m mostly kidding — I know we’ll have a wonderful time with the kids next week — but it was nice to get a break.

Did y’all have a nice weekend? 

#ThingsKidsSay: Don’t Lose Your Top

My family and I went for an overnight stay at the Great Wolf Lodge located fairly close to where we live. If you’ve never been there, it’s an outdoorsy themed water park for kids. Most of the slides and pools and splash pads are indoors, but there are a few things outside, too, for when the weather is warmer.

I love being by the water, but I’m not as much of a fan of getting in. I can swim, but prefer hanging out by the pool or ocean most of the time for reasons. One of these reasons is that sometimes things happen when I’m in the water (whether it’s in the ocean or on a water slide), and these things cause me to have wardrobe malfunctions. It happens to everyone at some point, but I’m pretty sure I’ve had more than my fair share.

The last time I went to Great Wolf Lodge, I had a wardrobe malfunction while riding a slide with Little Man. After much begging, I got on the slide (I really dislike water slides now that I’m older), and then I proceeded to flip on the mat, take a hard hit to the head, and partially lose my bottoms and one of my boobs was well on her way to greeting the world when I got to the bottom. I righted myself, avoided eye contact with the people standing near, and stayed away from that area for the rest of our visit.

So, I have a rule now — no more water slides for me. I’ll gladly stand at the bottom and watch, but I ain’t getting on. Nope, not happening. And Little Man apparently forgot this rule yesterday when he begged me to ride a two-person water ride with him.

Channeling my inner Joey Tribbiani, I told him, “Mommy don’t ride water rides.” (I have no idea why I have to say it in Joey’s “Joey don’t share food” voice, but I do.)

Since the boy rarely takes no for an answer, he tried to change my mind. When I suggested that he find another kid to ride with, he tried to guilt me by suggesting that he could be kidnapped.

I realize after uploading this image that I gave myself a thigh gap, which I don’t have IRL, at all.

I told him I’d take that chance. He cackled and said he’d wait for his dad.

So, are y’all water slide riders? Or do you avoid them because of wardrobe malfunctions, too?

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