#AtoZChallenge: ‘R’ is for Religion

When I was a kid and teen, my grandmother used to call me a “heathen.” Whenever I was sassy, made crude jokes, or did something silly, I was “acting like a heathen.” I’ve taken to calling my kids heathens, too, although it’s usually more of a term of affection. Usually.

Even though I lovingly call them heathens, they are definitely straight up heathenly at times. Some of the funny questions they’ve asked or comments they’ve made regarding religion has qualified them for that. (And some of the comments that inspired the doodles that follow are completely innocent, but I’m sticking with calling them “heathens” nonetheless.)

Recently Baby Girl asked some questions about God. “Who is he? What does he do? What are his powers?” I answered these questions to the best of my ability and this was how she responded to that:

When she’s not busy comparing the big guy to Superman, Baby Girl has a pretty interesting prayer she sometimes says before supper:

No, God, please don’t.

The boy has always been known for saying funny things, and he is definitely no exception when it comes to religion. When Little Man was about five, his grandma talked to him a bit about Jesus and heaven. Let’s just say that he took things very literally.

The boy also got pretty clever one day when I was trying to drive home the point that he should listen better…

Another time when Little Man was five, he shared his thoughts on God’s personal appearance and responsibilities.

Bow tie…ponytail…is God part of an all male revue that is blessed with the powers of Harry Potter?

Finally, there was this moment that certainly made someone else think that Little Man a legit heathen. We were at Chick-Fil-A one day last year and LM was playing in the play area. He came out after a while and told me that some lady in there had started going on about religion to him. He was visibly annoyed by this.

I asked what happened exactly, and LM said that he had said, “Oh my god” about something, and the lady scolded him about that.

I cracked up at the absurdity of that. Little Man told me that he informed her that in his house we say “Oh my god” all the time, to which the lady replied that God cries every time we do that. I apologize in advance for the Dorky family causing the next great flood.

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#AtoZChallenge: ‘Q’ is for Quiz

Once again, we’re not blasting too far to the past for today’s post. A few weeks ago, I asked both of my kids a set of 23 questions. I’m pretty sure these questions originated with Eric from All In A Dad’s Work, but I could be wrong. (And if I am wrong, he has a series where he asks his kids lots of questions that you should check out, as his children are hilarious.)

These questions were asked with no prompting, which will probably be painfully obvious with the amount of one-question answers or off-topic answers they give me.

(Little Man is 10 and Baby Girl is 3.)

1. What is something mom always says to you?

LM: Cuss words. (Laughs) “Clean up your room!”

BG: “I love you.”

2. What makes mom happy?

LM: Saying cuss words. (Laughs) Cuddling with us, being around me and Baby Girl.

BG: Hugging.

3. What makes mom sad?

LM: Not saying cuss words. (Laughs) Being around smelly dogs.

BG: Yelling. Ooooh!

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

LM: With your blog and Yo Mama jokes.

BG: Her scares me.

5. What was your mom like as a child?

LM: I have no idea.

BG: Like Bilbo (our dog).

6. How old is your mom?

LM: 34

BG: 12

7. How tall is your mom?

LM: I have no idea.

BG: This big.

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

LM: Watch TV.

BG: Work.

9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?

LM: Not anything good.

BG: Hop your butt around.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

LM: Being the best mom ever.

BG: Prize.

11. What is your mom really good at?

LM: Being the best mom ever.

BG: Working.

12. What is your mom not very good at?

LM: Being the worst mom ever.

BG: Eating.

13. What does your mom do for a job?

LM: Sit back, relax, and watch TV. (Laughs) You predict the weather and write and get paid.

BG: Work. You do the “ah-ti-cles”

I do write, but I do not predict the weather.

14. What is your mom’s favorite food?

LM: Coke, easily.

BG: French fries.

15. What makes you proud of your mom?

LM: Everything.

BG: Working.

16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?

LM: Godzilla. Because you’re evil and big. Not big in a fat way, but big like big and tall.

BG: Spiderman.

17. What do you and your mom do together?

LM: Play chess, watch TV, talk.

BG: Play and puzzles

18. How are you and your mom the same?

LM: In every way except for gender.

BG: Hugging.

19. How are you and your mom different?

LM: In gender and that’s it.

BG: (Makes a goofy face)

20. How do you know your mom loves you?

LM: You’re my mother, duh.

BG: You kiss me.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?

LM: Everything.

BG: You do something funny

22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?

LM: Home.

BG: Chuck E. Cheese’s with me.

23. How old was your mom when you were born?

LM: No clue.

BG: 3

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

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#AtoZChallenge: ‘O’ is for “Oh, My God”

Today’s post is going to be short and sweet (and hopefully funny). This one happened a few weeks ago, so we’re not blasting too far into the past for this one.

We were at Walmart recently when Baby Girl had to use the bathroom. I love that she’s potty trained and that we don’t need pullups except for at night, but I hate public restrooms. There are exactly three restrooms in my town that don’t make me feel like I’m going to die when I go into them, and if I absolutely have to go, I’ll do whatever I can to get to one of those.

Yes, it’s possible that Little Man gets his fear of public restrooms from me (even though I totally play dumb when the doc asked). Remember this?

Unfortunately, when you have a little kid, avoiding public restrooms isn’t always possible.

After Baby Girl loudly announced her need to void her bladder, which no less than three other people heard, we headed towards the family restroom. It’s big enough to avoid touching the sides of the grimy stalls and is usually cleaner.

Usually.

You’ve probably gathered that wasn’t the case on that day, and it wasn’t, not by a long shot. Here’s what we saw:

Despite being a toddler who was known for licking poop once, Baby Girl is also squeamish when it comes to public restrooms, so when she saw the poop on the toilet, she started yelling.

Out we went. And just after we exited the family restroom, Little Man, who was waiting outside started yelling.

Good lord. One of the workers took notice of Baby Girl’s partially clothed body and cracked up. I yanked up her pants and headed to the ladies’ restroom. Thankfully we were able to find a stall that was poop free that time.

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#AtoZChallenge: ‘N’ is for Notes

I love getting notes and pictures from my kids. I have a special drawer that I save them in. Those notes and pictures are few and far between from Little Man now, but Baby Girl makes up for it with the scribbles she gives me. Little Man did recently gave me the following note, though, which made my heart melt:

That’s enough of the sappy stuff. Now I’m going to move on to some of the drawings and notes I’ve found that gave me a good chuckle.

First, here’s the family portrait that Little Man drew when he was 6 or 7.

A stick thin waist and boobs almost as big as my head? Yes, please. (Or maybe not, since that would definitely cause some back problems.) It always really cracks me up to see kids around kindergarten to first grade age draw out their families. They almost always go with huge boobs for the adult women.

And speaking of boobs, there was that time in first grade (I think) that he  took issue with my not handing over my bathing suit when he asked.

I can only imagine what his teacher thought when she saw his free write that day. I love how he also included boobs in this photo, too, even if they are rather lopsided. Some free write notes from the same time that I didn’t include were about Little Man’s dog’s privates being cut off (ouch) and being very “thrustrated” as me for not letting him sit in the floor to write.

Heads up to parents of young children — if they want to give someone literal garbage for a Christmas or birthday (or anytime) gift, let them do it, because they absolutely will call that shit out.

See what a party pooper I am? If memory serves, the “something special” was leftover McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces from the previous summer.

Little Man fully understands the power of the written word. He will often air out his grievances in writing, and started doing so when he was five. He wasn’t always as verbose as he is now, but the point was still taken:

Last but not least is this one from when LM was in kindergarten, I found this scribbled on the back of one of his worksheets:

You got told, Joe.


Thanks to everyone who gave me some feedback on the poll asking about how much new content I should have if I put together a Dorky Mom Doodles book! Here are the results:

I’ll shoot for around 25 to 30 percent new material, more if the creative writing/doodling juices start flowing.

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#AtoZChallenge: L is for Licking

Everyone knows that toddlers can be picky eaters, but I think mine takes the cake. She’ll eat exactly two vegetables (corn and cucumbers), one meat (fish sticks), pizza, and some other not-so-healthy things. Quesadillas are a staple food in our home. I’m super picky, but she makes me look like I have a diverse palate. I’ve been assured that she’s perfectly healthy and that she’ll eat other things within time, so there’s that at least.

But this post isn’t going to be about my food concerns as a parent so much as it is about Baby Girl’s lack of consistency regarding things that go into her mouth.

To set the stage for the doodle, you should know that green beans are met with a look of disgust. I’ll try to coax her into eating one, but eventually have to settle with her just licking one so she gets a taste and hopefully gets used to it enough to eat later. Carrots? “Yuck, I not like it!” Grilled chicken makes her cover her ears (because this is how to keep food from going into your mouth, apparently) and say, “No, Mommy, no!” as if I’m trying to poison her.

So, that’s how she reacts to normal food. You’d think that she’d apply this…high standard (or whatever you’d call it) to other things she’s willing to taste, but no. She’ll let the dog lick her sucker and then pop it back in her mouth; she tasted dog food once willingly (no siblings tricks on this one) and wasn’t fazed; and, in a significantly more disgusting move, this taste-testing happened:

Diaper changing time is going smoothly, and then…

It is what you think it is; here’s a close-up:

I heard the retching sounds Sam made and asked what was going on.

“A piece of poop fell out of her diaper and she picked it up and licked it!”

Was Baby Girl retching? No. Was she at all grossed out? No. She did look rather pleased with herself for the reaction she got from her dad, though.

Green beans – 0
Poop – 1

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#AtoZChallenge: ‘G’ is for Gotcha

We enjoy playing pranks in my family. We will often make up the most ridiculous things and see how far we can take it with the other person without cracking up. Since none of us are very good at keeping a straight face, we don’t usually get too far.

For example, recently I pranked Little Man by telling them they were postponing the filming of Star Wars Episode 9. This was my one and only April Fool’s Day joke. After setting him up by telling him they were having trouble securing permits to shoot, which is believable enough I suppose, I followed up with, “And they’re recasting Kylo Ren as a female. They need a female villain since Phasma is out, so they’re going to redo the role as Kayla Ren instead.”

No, it doesn’t! I can’t remember what else I told him, but eventually I had to break it to him that it was an April Fool’s Day prank, since I never cracked up and he never called BS.

We used to prank my husband’s mom a lot, so naturally Little Man wanted to get in on the action. A couple years ago, he had recently acquired fake dog poop and a crawling toy cockroach, so we talked about how he could get her with those items. After thinking about it for a bit, he told me he had some new ideas:

 

We then had a talk about what’s appropriate to joke about.

The next time we went over to my mother-in-law’s house, LM ran in and told her he had to do a number two really bad. After he went into the bathroom, he called her for help.

Yeah, she freaked out big time. Well done, kid!

Baby Girl is working on her pranks. She usually tells us something random and then yells, “April fool’s!” no matter what day it is. It’s all kinds of cute.

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#AtoZChallenge: ‘D’ is for Doctor

Like any little kid, Baby Girl likes talking about what she wants to be when she grows up, and she wants to be a doctor. Occasionally she’ll mention being an ice cream man or a storybook writer, but mostly she talks about being a doctor. She’s had a not so low-key obsession with doctors for a long time now. While everyone else I know dreads going to the doctor, the girl lives for it and often creates reasons to go. “Oh, I’ve got a boo-boo! Call an ambulance!”

If Baby Girl were able to leave the house by herself and drive, she’d probably have a restraining order by now.

The girl gets ticked off anytime the rest of us have to go to the doctor and don’t take her along, and she asks a million questions when we get home. There’s always a little bit of hope in her voice that maybe something will be badly wrong with us, because that means more visits, more procedures, and more deets to share.

I think all of this is adorable, of course. Even more adorable is her in her doctor’s scrubs for Halloween.

She has quite the collection of toy doctor tools, and she even has a few real things, courtesy of an EMT who took interesting in BG at a restaurant one day and gave her a tour, hooked her up to an EKG, the whole nine yards. Baby Girl was in heaven that day.

One thing Baby Girl likes to learn about is body parts. She’s very interested in the different organs and their functions. You might be thinking, “Smart kiddo!” but know that her interest doesn’t stop with her little body parts doll she got for Christmas.

She’s also very interested in where babies come from. She’s three, y’all. I gave her a sciencey rundown, and she later asked my husband where she was before she got in my belly. He told her that she was in Heaven with God. This freaked her out because she associates that with being dead. She brought it up with me again later, and I talked to her about starting out as an egg in my ovaries, which went over much better…

And then, of course, she wanted to see the ovaries and find out how all this went down. I showed her an awesome YouTube video (you can see it at the end of this post), and she has watched it at least a dozen times. She’s absolutely enthralled.

Then the next big question came:

I didn’t want to tell her about vaginal delivery. That’s just too much right now. I don’t care if she educates her classmates on the rest of it, but I really don’t want anyone calling me because Baby Girl talked about pushing a baby out of one’s vajayjay. (And she’d use the correct term, of course, but I’m not.)

Instead, I told her about C-sections. She was born via C-section, so that worked. She was fascinated with that, which made me kind of scared…how long before I wake up in the middle of the night with her trying to perform surgery? It was like the time Little Man got super interested in organs, too, namely the heart. He talked about wanting to hold a beating heart in his own hands one day, so I didn’t sleep for a while.

Yesterday (we’re not blasting too far to the past for this one), the attempted C-section happened, but I wasn’t injured in the process.

We were hanging out playing doctor with her stuffies when stuck one under my shirt.

Oh lord.

She took her toy doctor scissors and pretended to cut open my belly along the area where my actual C-section stitches are.

And then it was time for Pete the Cat to be delivered.

We then repeated the process many more times before she decided that I should be her nurse and give all of her stuffies their flu shots.

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#AtoZChallenge: ‘C’ is for Cold

My husband appointed himself the Snot Czar of our household many years ago. This means that he takes it upon himself to handle the snot issues of Baby Girl, Little Man, and myself.

Yes, even mine. I’m a 34-year-old sort of adult, and my husband thinks it’s his job to clear my nasal passages.

You’re probably thinking, “Ew” and maybe even, “Well, at least he cares,” but here’s how he used to deal with that. Instead of running the dehumidifier or cool mist sprayer, whichever of those is meant for helping with congestion, and instead of giving me Mucinex or nasal spray, he would break out the bulb-style nasal aspirator.

The first time he offered, I thought, “Why not?” He used it on Little Man (a baby at the time) and it worked. How nice that he’d go that far to help me feel better, right? I wouldn’t do it for him. (They say that in a relationship there’s always one person who loves harder than the other person, and if the whole mucus/bulb thing is any indication, clearly he’s the one who is more smitten.)

Here’s why not: it’s what I imagine it would feel like if the zombies tried to suck out my brain through my nose during the apocalypse. Instead of just sticking the tip in and suctioning a bit out, he rammed the thing up there as far as he could and I’m pretty sure he came within a millimeter or two of puncturing my brain.

It didn’t help. He insisted that I just needed to be still, stop acting like a child and squirming around, and let him do his thing.

“No, I’ll just wait and let things clear up on their own.”

It’s all fun and games until your husband chases you throughout the house, determined to use this godawful suction thing on you in an attempt to help clear up some of the crud from the monthly sinus infection.

Baby Girl was prone to having colds pretty often when she was a baby, so we constantly looked for ways to make things easier on her. We made sure she was elevated when sleeping, used a VapoRub machine, and used a bulb to get the snot out. Those didn’t help a lot, but one day we found something that did wonders for Baby Girl’s snot:

That, my friends, is the NoseFrida Snotsucker. (You can see the real deal here, and this is not an affiliate link.) It works by placing one end into the baby’s nostril and sucking the other end. Thanks to a tube and filter deal in the middle, you don’t get boogers into your mouth. It works wonders. Baby Girl hated it as much as she hated the crappy bulb, because she hates all the things, but it worked incredibly well.

I sucked snot once and passed on doing it again, because I was concerned about breathing booger air, so my husband took over responsibilities. (For the record, I would have risked booger air had my husband not been around.)

True to form, not only did my husband use the Snotsucker on BG, he also tried to use it on Little Man and me. Little Man cried as much as BG when my husband tried to use it on him, and I threatened to strangle him with it if he went near me. It would have been a shame to become a headline over something like that.

You probably weren’t expecting a kinda gross story about mucus when you saw that I was doing a Blast to the Past theme, but trust me, this is far less gross and embarrassing than the other ‘C’ post I thought of.

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The Google Home Infatuation

I recently purchased a new Chromebook. The old one I had was four years old, super slow, and looked like this:

Yikes.

Since my job requires me to use a computer, it simply would not do. Sure, I could sit down at the desktop, but I’m a person who like to write from the comfort of her couch, so a new laptop was crucial to my laziness. I had to buy four laptops (and return four laptops) before I settled on the Chromebook I ended up with, and I love it. And with that laptop, we got a Google Home Mini device for free.

At first I was all “Yay, free tech item!” but it has since become the bane of my existence.

The kids are straight up obsessed with Google Home. They’re constantly yelling at the thing.

“Hey Google, tell me a joke!”

“Hey Google, play the Spiderman song!”

“Hey Google, not THAT Spiderman song, the other one!”

“Hey Google, what’s 12×13?”

(Little Man has since been instructed not to use Google Home to do his math homework.)

Baby Girl has taken her obsession to the extreme. She legit thinks that there is a mini person in there talking to her, and gets upset that she can’t go  in herself to see her. Here are a few of the cute interactions she’s had:

Not doodled is when Baby Girl asked Little Man to play the Google Home Game today. There are no words or doodles for that.

So yeah, I mostly hate Google Home with a passion now. I’m thinking about putting it on the table…it’d only be a matter of time before one of the kids had an accident and spilled something.

Is anyone tech obsessed in your house?

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Future Mean Girl?

Baby Girl is the most precious little girl that walks the earth. Sometimes. Other times, I could swear that she is a Regina George in the making, just without as much pink.

For a three-year-old, the comments she makes can be straight up savage sometimes.

Remember this from the Yo Mama post?

Brutal. She was making a joke, of course, but still…damn.

This is from when I picked her up at preschool recently:

Gee, thanks.

Baby Girl has also been trying to trim down the family lately. She got mad at Little Man one night while we were in the car — over what, I can’t remember, but it was minor — and she went off on him.

Goodwill? We about died laughing. But at least she didn’t tell him, “I not like your face” or “I’m going to die you” this time. (We really, really hope what she meant with that one was that she was going to take out his batteries, since that’s what we always tell her when the remote or something isn’t working, that the batteries died.)

My husband was also kicked out.

At the time, she wasn’t angry at all. She just mentioned that her dad needed to leave one day. She was quite insistent with that, too, and it was all said with the sweetest voice. I later found out that she didn’t want him around anymore because he used Google Home. So far I haven’t been kicked out of the family, but I’m sure my time is coming.

I didn’t doodle it, but BG also recently told me that she was leaving and not coming back. She planned to go live with new parents because she didn’t like any of us anymore. This was after she was fussed at for not cleaning her room. She later changed her mind.

And then there is this…

Little Man was pretty ticked over this, poor kid.

So now you see what we’ve been dealing with. Future mean girl? I hope not, but right now, she has as much of a filter as Sophia Petrillo.


I got my cochlear implant two weeks ago. The surgery went well and the ear is healing up nicely. The implant will be activated in a couple of weeks, so hopefully that will go well.

Also, I hate that I haven’t been able to keep up with reading blogs much or posting on this blog, but I started a new job in December and haven’t had a lot of free time. Sorry! Maybe one of these days I’ll be able to juggle everything as well as I’d like, but not today. 😉

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If you’re an Amazon addict like I am, then use this link to do your shopping. I may earn a small commission that will go towards my kids’ college educations new Converses.