If Toddlers Had Facebook

Isn’t Facebook great? You can go online and share everything about your life with your family, friends, acquaintances (aka people you met once), and stalkers. Whether it’s picture after picture chronicling your kids’ childhoods, because the whole world really needs to know about your 10-year-old’s haircut  (guilty as charged) or vague status updates about that someone in your life who needs to butt out and piss off, you can share it all on Facebook.

Some people hated it when “old people” (our parents and grandparents) got on Facebook. “It’s gonna be ruined!” they complained. And by “ruined” they meant, “I can’t post pictures of my half naked ass puking in the bushes or status updates about all the wild sex I’m having.” Aside from the often jumbled status updates about “COUSIN LENNY XLKSKD FIRE” and the 3,249 requests to play Farmville, it wasn’t that bad, though.

“Old people” definitely did not ruin Facebook. Sure, there might be an accidental — and highly inappropriate — gif or laughing reaction on a post about someone being on their deathbed, but that’s always good for a chuckle since it slightly lightens the situation. Even more so when they apologetically post about how they didn’t mean to put that or that Zuckerburg must have hacked their profiles. (Because deleting the offensive post is clearly not an option.)

(By the way, I’m putting quotation marks around “old people” because the people that we considered old a decade ago aren’t much that much older than we are now…)

Since we know what “old people” on Facebook looks like, let’s imagine for a moment that our toddlers got accounts and were given free reign. Their pictures would probably be just as bad as an older newcomer to Facebook. Where you might see an old person post three different profile pictures in various orientations until they get one that’s upright, you’d probably see pictures like this from a toddler:

Have you ever felt especially stabby when someone posts pictures about their amazing vacation while you’re stuck in the office or at home dealing with two projectile vomiting children and Laundry Mountain?

When you take a break for a minute and mindlessly scroll through Facebook, you’re faced with a picture that is angled just right to show off an adult beverage, toes, and sand.

If a toddler had a Facebook account, this is what they’d post:

And, of course, there would be the inevitable passive-aggressive comment from a jealous toddler friend…

Oof.

Toddlers would also probably be just as self-conscious about the number of likes on their posts as the average angsty younger Millennial was.

And you know how new parents seems to be cursed with an affliction that causes them to overshare on Facebook during their child’s first year? Well, toddlers would probably be like that, too.

The best part of toddlers being on Facebook would be all of the drama, though. You know they’d have it. They go from one extreme mood to another in the snap of a finger, and just like an insecure 29-year-old who has had way too many shots of Fireball, there would be no hesitation in putting that drama all over Facebook.

Toddlers on Facebook would definitely be interesting.

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#AtoZChallenge: ‘G’ is for Gotcha

We enjoy playing pranks in my family. We will often make up the most ridiculous things and see how far we can take it with the other person without cracking up. Since none of us are very good at keeping a straight face, we don’t usually get too far.

For example, recently I pranked Little Man by telling them they were postponing the filming of Star Wars Episode 9. This was my one and only April Fool’s Day joke. After setting him up by telling him they were having trouble securing permits to shoot, which is believable enough I suppose, I followed up with, “And they’re recasting Kylo Ren as a female. They need a female villain since Phasma is out, so they’re going to redo the role as Kayla Ren instead.”

No, it doesn’t! I can’t remember what else I told him, but eventually I had to break it to him that it was an April Fool’s Day prank, since I never cracked up and he never called BS.

We used to prank my husband’s mom a lot, so naturally Little Man wanted to get in on the action. A couple years ago, he had recently acquired fake dog poop and a crawling toy cockroach, so we talked about how he could get her with those items. After thinking about it for a bit, he told me he had some new ideas:

 

We then had a talk about what’s appropriate to joke about.

The next time we went over to my mother-in-law’s house, LM ran in and told her he had to do a number two really bad. After he went into the bathroom, he called her for help.

Yeah, she freaked out big time. Well done, kid!

Baby Girl is working on her pranks. She usually tells us something random and then yells, “April fool’s!” no matter what day it is. It’s all kinds of cute.

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

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Yo Mama: The Ultimate Smackdown

Little Man has gotten into Yo Mama jokes lately. Much like when he discovered knock-knock jokes a few years ago, he tells these frequently. Some of them are cringey and others are downright hilarious.

He included the above jokes in a Cootie Catcher, by the way. Well, he calls it a Fortune Teller, but as a child of the 90s, I refuse to call it by anything else.

I had an ultimate parent fail a few weeks ago when LM asked me to tell him some Yo Mama jokes. I rattled off a few and told him I’d look some up to email him later. Later that night, after LM went to bed, I did a Google search for kid-friendly Yo Mama jokes, read the first couple of jokes, copied and pasted the page, and then sent the email.

I never closed out the tab that the jokes were on, so after I worked a little, did some reading, etc., I went back to the tab to glance through the jokes, and let me tell you, not all of them were kid-friendly by any stretch of the imagination.

Here are a few of the jokes that would’ve resulted in a total shitfest had Little Man opened the email. (And I don’t even want to think about what would’ve happened had he opened that email at school.)


Sweet baby Jesus.

My arm is totally asking for an anchor tattoo to complete the Popeye look.

After having a minor heart attack, I collected myself enough to realize that a) I have access to Little Man’s account since I’m the one who set it up, b) he’s in bed, c) he’ll never know if I delete it right the fuck now.

So I did. Whew. I also remembered to empty his trash, being the savvy mom that I am. And then I found another page of jokes that was marked as being kid-friendly, read through them, and then emailed them along. Some time later, I went back to the vulgar jokes and read them all to my husband while laughing hysterically. (If you haven’t figured it out already, I’m never growing up.)

In case you’re wondering, none of that ordeal has anything to do with the title. Regardless of how inappropriate those jokes were for kids, they weren’t Ultimate Smackdown level by any means. Nope, the joke that earns that title came from Baby Girl. Yes, the three-year-old Baby Girl.

Like any younger sibling, Baby Girl pays attention to everything Little Man does or says, and his incessant telling of Yo Mama jokes did not escape her. We figured this out when she said, “Yo Mama SO ugly…” and stopped when my husband shut her down. She started telling jokes of her own, some were repeats, some were incoherent, and then there was this:

Yep, Baby Girl is straight up savage.

Feel free to tell me about a time you almost majorly screwed up as a parent. If you don’t have that, then I’ll take your best Yo Mama joke.

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