OMG We’re Boring!

“Did anything funny happen over Christmas?” I asked my husband. After racking my brain, I couldn’t think of anything, but surely that was just my spotty mommy-brain memory. My family doing nothing funny? After going to three different places for Christmas? It couldn’t be.

“I don’t think so,” my husband said.

Next, I asked Little Man. His answer was to write about a funny comment his dad made. Unfortunately, the funny comment was insulting a dish someone at one of the gatherings had prepared, so I didn’t think that would be appropriate. Baby Girl was next.

Okay.

That’s funny,  but in a cute “boy-that’s-freaking-odd” kind of way. (BTW, when I showed her that doodle, she said he was dancing to “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” and that I needed to draw a Do Not Enter road sign dancing next.)

So, nothing super funny happened over the holidays. My banana puddings turned out good, all of the chocolate-dipped treats were good, and my fruit salad — highly difficult dish to prepare — was good. Despite cooking an entire meal on Christmas Eve (and, yes, I want a pat on the back for that), I had no cooking mishaps whatsoever. I did make a funny with a dessert tray I brought to my mother-in-law’s house, but that’s more of a “here’s the picture” deal instead of being doodle-worthy.

Come to think of it, we didn’t even do anything funny with Rufus, our Elf on the Shelf, this year. Usually, we at least make him do something very inappropriate for our (the parents’) pleasure — like the year when he appeared with a “Back Like Cooked Crack” sign — but we didn’t do anything along those lines. He moved most days, but just from spot to spot and not in an over-the-top Pinterest way.

The funniest thing I can think of for this Christmas is Baby Girl’s holiday photos. After taking multiple pictures in multiple places, this was the theme she had going on:

And that’s funny in a “LOL she can’t smile” way…not quite as funny if you were there for the moments that led up to those grumpy faces! (The last three were all at the same place — the church where she goes to preschool. Everything was beautifully decorated and she was dressed up and wearing a ribbon in her hair, so it seemed like the perfect time to try to get pictures for the Christmas card.)

The Dorky family must be losing their touch. But, hey, I created a post and some doodles from almost nothing, so there ya go.

Do you have any Christmas funnies to share?

If you haven’t read my book “Don’t Lick That!” yet, pop over to Amazon and download a copy to read before the year is over. (Nothing happens to the book  when 2018 expires, but we can pretend like something will if that makes you click quicker.) 

Keep Your Glittery Cards And Presents To Yourself

This is a repost from last year, but I feel it is worth sharing again before people start sending out Christmas cards and wrapping presents…

If you’re wrapping gifts or sending Christmas cards that have glitter on them, you need to stop.

Seriously, STOP.

You know what it tells me when someone does the glitter thing? That you hate me. That you want to drive me freaking insane. That you should join the Taliban. That you’re an evil person with no heart.

Glitter is the evil gift that keeps on giving all year. No matter how hard you clean or dust off your clothes, it doesn’t completely go away. In fact, it multiplies. Don’t ask me how glitter procreates, but I’m almost certain that it does.

There has been a piece of glitter somewhere on my face or eye for the past two days that I can’t find. I know it’s there, because when the light hits it a certain way, I can see it glimmer in my peripheral vision. (It’s gold, BTW.) But when I look in a mirror, I can’t find it. (No, I’m NOT crazy…or not in the imagining glimmering light type of way, anyway.) It’ll go away enough, I’m sure hope, but it’s draining me of my Christmas spirit.

I’m officially putting everyone on notice —

If you give me something with glitter, I’m not going to be your friend anymore, and if you’re family, I’ll disown you. I’ll still love you, but I’ll remove you from the Favorites list on my phone and/or I’ll scratch you off my family tree. This is saying you don’t like The Office level bad.

I’ll also get you back. It might not be tomorrow, next week, or even next month, but make no mistake — I’ll exact my revenge. I’ll go buy ten pounds of glitter and throw it on your car after it rains. I’ll slip glitter in your shampoo the next time I visit. I may even go Carrie style and fill a bucket with glitter and rig it to dump on you when you open the door to your home.

Get it? No. More. Glitter.

And with that, Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays, everyone. Make your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be glitter-free.

If I start a “BAN GLITTER” petition, who would sign it?

If you haven’t signed up for the raffle to win the  “Don’t Lick That!” eBook, click this link to do so. A few of you made me aware of some issues with the raffle and that your entry didn’t go through, so I added an option at the top where you can enter just by saying you follow the blog. No verification needed. (I don’t know why it’s being buggy, sorry!) 

The preorder for the eBook is live on Amazon for $3.99 and will be available to read on Nov. 28. You can find it here. The paperback is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble  for $14.99 and will ship Nov. 27. 

Can We Just Stop With The Glitter, Already?!

If you’re wrapping gifts or sending Christmas cards that have glitter on them, you need to stop.

Seriously, STOP.


You know what it tells me when someone does the glitter thing? That you hate me. That you want to drive me freaking insane. That you should join the Taliban. That you’re an evil person with no heart.

Glitter is the evil gift that keeps on giving all year. No matter how hard you clean or dust off your clothes, it doesn’t completely go away. In fact, it multiplies. Don’t ask me how glitter procreates, but I’m almost certain that it does.

There has been a piece of glitter somewhere on my face or eye for the past two days that I can’t find. I know it’s there, because when the light hits it a certain way, I can see it glimmer in my peripheral vision. (It’s gold, BTW.) But when I look in a mirror, I can’t find it. (No, I’m NOT crazy…or not in the imagining glimmering light type of way, anyway.) It’ll go away enough, I’m sure hope, but it’s draining me of my Christmas spirit.

I’m officially putting everyone on notice —

If you give me something with glitter, I’m not going to be your friend anymore, and if you’re family, I’ll disown you. I’ll still love you, but I’ll remove you from the Favorites list on my phone and/or I’ll scratch you off my family tree. This is saying you don’t like The Office level bad.

I’ll also get you back. It might not be tomorrow, next week, or even next month, but make no mistake — I’ll exact my revenge. I’ll go buy ten pounds of glitter and throw it on your car after it rains. I’ll slip glitter in your shampoo the next time I visit. I may even go Carrie style and fill a bucket with glitter and rig it to dump on you when you open the door to your home.

Get it? No. More. Glitter.

And with that, Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays, everyone. Make your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be glitter-free.