No Health For You

There are lots of ways that you can piss off your kids. Tell them that screen time is over for the day. Mention that bath time or bedtime is just around the corner. Announce that no more fun will be had until the toys are picked up and the house doesn’t look like a tornado came through.

All of these things will certainly make little tempers flare and have them shooting daggers at you, but wanna know the worst thing you can do? Offer them something healthy when they ask for a snack — they’ll treat this as the ultimate act of betrayal, one that is worthy of a spot in the ninth circle of hell.

Now I much prefer snacks of the non-healthy variety, too. My “never saw a gap” thighs can attest to that. However, most of my non-healthy snacks are consumed after the kids go to bed, in an effort to minimize the bad example I set for the kids. Unfortunately, Little Man is catching on to that. He once mentioned how unfair it is that the parents get to stay up and watch TV and eat junk food after he goes to bed. Dude, I just listened to 10 hours of nonstop chatter about Pokemon, Minecraft, Peppa Pig, and farts — you really wanna talk about unfair?

For the record, I’m not a total junk food Nazi; as evidenced by Baby Girl’s love of popsicles, they get sweets. Maybe too many sometimes, especially if we’re going to Chick-Fil-A with their amazing ice cream and follow that up with a trip to Walmart, land of the free cookies. But I do try to make sure that most of their food doesn’t have a lot of added sugar and actually has some nutrients, which makes me a bit of an asshole mom in their eyes.

Despite being pretty reasonable, both kids still try to find a way around the rules (pretty sure they’re hard-wired to do so). Sometimes they think whining will do the trick, which is annoying, but other times their attempts are rather humorous.

This one is from when Little Man was around age 4.

No beating around the bush with him!

Last week, Baby Girl went at it from a different angle.


Nice try, Baby Girl. If only!

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#AtoZChallenge: E is for Eating

Everyone knows that toddlers can be picky eaters, but I think mine takes the cake. She’ll eat exactly two vegetables (corn and cucumbers), one meat (fish sticks), pizza, and some other not-so-healthy things. Quesadillas are a staple food in our home. I’m super picky, but she makes me look like I have a diverse palate. I’ve been assured that she’s perfectly healthy and that she’ll eat other things within time, so there’s that at least.

But this post isn’t going to be about my food concerns as a parent so much as it is about Baby Girl’s lack of consistency regarding things that go into her mouth.

To set the stage for the doodle, you should know that green beans are met with a look of disgust. I’ll try to coax her into eating one, but eventually have to settle with her just licking one so she gets a taste and hopefully gets used to it enough to eat later. Carrots? “Yuck, I not like it!” Grilled chicken makes her cover her ears (because this is how to keep food from going into your mouth, apparently) and say, “No, Mommy, no!” as if I’m trying to poison her.

So, that’s how she reacts to normal food. You’d think that she’d apply this…high standard (or whatever you’d call it) to other things she’s willing to taste, but no. She’ll let the dog lick her sucker and then pop it back in her mouth; she tasted dog food once willingly (no siblings tricks on this one) and wasn’t fazed; and, in a significantly more disgusting move, this taste-testing happened:

Diaper changing time is going smoothly, and then…

It is what you think it is; here’s a close-up:

I heard the retching sounds Sam made and asked what was going on.

“A piece of poop fell out of her diaper and she picked it up and licked it!”

Was Baby Girl retching? No. Was she at all grossed out? No. She did look rather pleased with herself for the reaction she got from her dad, though.

Green beans – 0
Poop – 1

(After posting this, I realized this isn’t so much a Things Kids Say post as a Things Kids Did. Oh well. At least I got it in before midnight!)

What gross thing has your kid tasted?

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