Can We Just Stop With The Glitter, Already?!

If you’re wrapping gifts or sending Christmas cards that have glitter on them, you need to stop.

Seriously, STOP.


You know what it tells me when someone does the glitter thing? That you hate me. That you want to drive me freaking insane. That you should join the Taliban. That you’re an evil person with no heart.

Glitter is the evil gift that keeps on giving all year. No matter how hard you clean or dust off your clothes, it doesn’t completely go away. In fact, it multiplies. Don’t ask me how glitter procreates, but I’m almost certain that it does.

There has been a piece of glitter somewhere on my face or eye for the past two days that I can’t find. I know it’s there, because when the light hits it a certain way, I can see it glimmer in my peripheral vision. (It’s gold, BTW.) But when I look in a mirror, I can’t find it. (No, I’m NOT crazy…or not in the imagining glimmering light type of way, anyway.) It’ll go away enough, I’m sure hope, but it’s draining me of my Christmas spirit.

I’m officially putting everyone on notice —

If you give me something with glitter, I’m not going to be your friend anymore, and if you’re family, I’ll disown you. I’ll still love you, but I’ll remove you from the Favorites list on my phone and/or I’ll scratch you off my family tree. This is saying you don’t like The Office level bad.

I’ll also get you back. It might not be tomorrow, next week, or even next month, but make no mistake — I’ll exact my revenge. I’ll go buy ten pounds of glitter and throw it on your car after it rains. I’ll slip glitter in your shampoo the next time I visit. I may even go Carrie style and fill a bucket with glitter and rig it to dump on you when you open the door to your home.

Get it? No. More. Glitter.

And with that, Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays, everyone. Make your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be glitter-free.

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer From Hell

Prior to this year, I’ve never been very good at the Pinterest stuff. I’m not sure why this year has been so different, but I’ve had nothing but wins with everything I’ve attempted. Yay, me. In the past, though, everything I’ve attempted has looked like utter garbage. For example, check out the time I tried to make a dollhouse for Little Man. Hint — mine is on the right.

And since the doodled version doesn’t do the real pictures justice, here’s the real deal:

screenshot-2016-12-09-at-1-11-32-am

Last Christmas season, my husband was looking at stuff online and came across a recipe for Rudolph pancakes. He got all excited about them and decided to made them for the kids. When he finished, he came over to the desk where I was working asked to borrow my phone to take a picture of the pancakes.

Look at Mr. “I hate Instagram people who take pictures of their food” now, I thought, smirking.

I handed over the phone, but didn’t get up to look at the pancakes because I was busy at the moment. After he brought the phone back to me, with the picture still open, I quickly became unbusy after I saw his Rudolph.

Here it is:

Baby Girl was watching me do this post and said the one on the right looks like a scary monster. She isn’t wrong.

Holy neckbeard, Batman!

And, again, since the doodled version probably doesn’t do the real version justice, here’s the real deal:

I could not stop laughing. I spent the better part of two hours getting fits of giggles over those things. “Rabid” and “zombie reindeer that will eat Baby Girl” were a couple of terms people used to describe it after I shared it everywhere.

To add to the funny, my husband didn’t get why I was laughing at first. Neither did Little Man, not until I pulled up a picture to remind my husband and show LM what the pancakes were supposed to look like. And then we all howled with laughter, except for Baby Girl, who didn’t give a crap because she had chocolate chips and high fructose corn syrup in front of her for supper. (Coincidentally, it took her a solid 2.5 hours to go to sleep that night. I’m guessing part of that was karma getting at me for laughing so much.)

I’m kinda thinking that terrifying Rudolph should be in a few doodles of his own…

In case you want to make the Rudolphs and not have them look all sinister, it may help knowing that my husband blamed it on having purchased the wrong canned whip. He bought Cool Whip in a can over Redi-Whip. He thinks that had the Cool Whip not melted as quickly, that his Rudolphs would’ve looked perfect. I didn’t say a word.

Have you ever made food that turned out looking like something that would suck out your soul?

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