#AtoZChallenge: That’s A Wrap

This is my fourth year doing the challenge (although not all on the same blog) and my first time submitting all posts on time. In the words of Borat, “Great success!”

Twenty-six days, twenty-six stories (five of which were repeats), twenty-six sets of doodles. And 105 new doodles were created for those 21 brand-new posts. Considering that I was very slack the past few months, with my average of 2 to 3 posts per month, that’s a lot of new dork material. Now I just need to find a happy middle ground post schedule-wise!

This month saw me blasting to the past — anywhere from a week ago to 23 years ago. There were posts that probably made you fear for our lives a little, posts that warmed your hearts, and posts that probably made you almost lose your lunch. Variety FTW!

Here are the top five posts in terms of likes for the month:

‘U’ is for Uh-Oh – Baby Girl had some leakage on vacation.
‘Z’ is for Zzzz – My daughter makes my anxiety worse at night.
‘S’ is for Surgery – My husband took Valium for his vasectomy, and it was funny.
‘M’ is for Money – I made someone think I’m against a Down Syndrome society.
‘V’ is for Valentine’s Day – My grandmother let my husband almost scare me to death.

Runner up:
‘E’ is for Eating – I accidentally ordered a whole chicken.

The Surgery post was my favorite overall (it’s always fun to write about someone else’s embarrassing moments!), followed closely by ‘J’ is for JTT, because who doesn’t love tween cringe?

Now that it’s all over, I’m going to continue working on that book. I’ve got my categories figured out and have chosen a bunch of different stories to include. Next up: retool some of the stories, create new stories/doodles, and figure out who the heck would publish something like this/check out self-publish options.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by to check out the doodled madness this month! What was your favorite post?

Advertisements

#AtoZChallenge: ‘X’ is for X (10)

Today’s post for the A to Z Challenge comes from my Facebook timeline. Coming up with a post for “X” can always be a bit of a challenge, so I’m cheating a little bit by going with “X” stands for the Roman numeral X, or 10. You get 10 mildly amusing status updates pulled from my Facebook page.

From last year, when Baby Girl commented on her growth…

Looking for freelance jobs can be equally frustrating and entertaining…

When the kiddo started getting slightly modest a few years ago…

Little Man is starting to get a little shy…when I walked in the bathroom where he was getting ready for his bath, he decided to cover up his privates. He’s stark naked and what does he cover? His chest. He is too funny!

That time I decided to be a zombie for Halloween and modeled my zombie walk for my husband…

During the height of the 50 Shades of Grey popularity…

The boy’s hatred for Clemson used to be something else…

“How’d Clemson get that ball? They probably snatched it.”

“I’m not pulling for Clemson, I’m pulling for who plays Clemson.”

“I don’t like cheaters, so I’m not pulling for Clemson. They probably do that.”

“I liked orange until I learned about Clemson. Now I don’t like it.”

When the kiddo caught me off guard with his take on The Giving Tree…

“That book is hilarious!”

That time Little Man messed up the title of a Nintendo game…

When Baby Girl was 2.5, she had some issues with our dog’s name…

When McDonald’s got kinda confused on what caffeine is…

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin.

#AtoZChallenge: ‘W’ is for Why I Never Wanna Go On A First Date Again

Like yesterday’s post, today’s Blast to the Past post takes place when I was in college — back to my first date with my husband.

I’ve mentioned before that I met my husband online. This was back in 2004, before online dating was really a thing like it is now. Those were the days of “Anyone looking to date online is a serial killer,” and based on one of the guys I met who had a white van that he wanted me to check out, I’d say that belief wasn’t completely unwarranted.

It took a while for us to get together. I was 19 and he was 25 when we first started talking, and we were both kind of put off by the age difference. In the eyes of a 19-year-old, he was old. (What I wouldn’t give to be old in that way again.) In the eyes of a guy in his mid twenties, I was really young. Regardless, after several months of chatting, we eventually went out (after I turned 20). There were a lot of missed signals on my part, but we finally made plans for that first date.

That date didn’t get off to the best start, since my husband briefly thought that I was catfishing him.

That’s my grandma. I was still getting ready (because putting on a college sweatshirt and jeans takes time), so she answered the door. He was slightly horrified at first, thinking that she was his date (even though he knew I lived with her, his mind still went there). She told me that she knew he thought she was his date, which she thought was hilarious, so she didn’t tell him otherwise and asked how he was doing. I popped around the corner shortly thereafter and he realized he wasn’t going on a date with a woman in her 70s.

The ride to the movie theater was pretty quiet. Despite chatting online during every free minute for months, we suddenly ran out of things to say. We finally got to the movie theater and purchased our tickets. This is what we saw:

Yes, for our first date ever, we chose to go see a movie about Jesus getting beaten and crucified. I don’t know what the heck we were thinking at the time. For crying out loud, I had already seen it and knew how hard it was to watch, and I still went along with it.

That horrified face is not what you want to see on the first date. I was able to keep a straight face and not be obviously bothered by it since I knew what to expect, but not so much with my husband.

Yeah, that happened. He told me some time later that he thought about trying to hold my hand, but then thought maybe that wasn’t the best movie for that. It’s a good thing, because that would have made an already uncomfortable date even more so.

Bonus dating awkwardness:

For whatever reason, I got it in my head that we weren’t dating so much as hanging out as friends. When he eventually tried to kiss me, this happened:

Zoom in and check out those awesome lips.

Yep, I totally turned my head. Oh, the embarrassment. My grandmother thought it was the funniest thing ever, though. And she thought it was doubly funny when it happened again after the next date. Luckily, after those first few awkward weeks, we were able to get our shit together, and the rest is history.

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post. If you have any awkward dating stories, feel free to share them!

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin.

#AtoZChallenge: ‘V’ is for Valentine’s Day

Yes, we’re more than two months past Valentine’s Day, but I’m going to go with ‘V’ is for Valentine’s Day anyway.

Today’s doodle comes from my and my husband’s (well, then boyfriend’s) first Valentine’s Day together. We’d been together for close to a year at the time. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, since we had both talked about our dislike for commercialized holidays, but let’s just say that what happened wasn’t something that crossed my mind.

On Valentine’s Day, I came home from school (I was a junior in college at the time) and went to my room after chatting briefly with my grandmother. I stood next to my computer desk to lean over and turn the tower on, and when I stood up, I noticed someone coming out of my closet out the corner of my eye. I’ve had terrible anxiety for a long time, and someone breaking in and killing me was always something I worried over. It was happening.

Anxiety is a bitch, but my, what it does for one’s imagination.

I let out a blood curdling scream worthy of a second-rate horror movie.

So long Frankenstein face, hello terrified face.

And then my brain registered that it wasn’t a murderous criminal hiding out in my closet — it was my better half.

“That wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for he said,” he told me, handing me the flowers. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

I felt rather embarrassed over this, but then again, who wouldn’t be freaked out when she notices a man coming out of her closet?

My grandmother popped in about that time, laughing. “I knew that’s what was going to happen when you said you wanted to hide in her closet and surprise her!” she said.

“Well, why didn’t you say that?” he asked.

“Because I thought it would be funny,” she replied.

Gee, thanks. Give me a heart attack all for the sake of your own amusement. I guess she was getting a little payback for all those years of me being a dumb kid and doing the same.

Do you have any stories of where your partner had nothing but the best intentions, but things went wrong in a hurry?

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin.

#AtoZChallenge: ‘T’ is for The Bird

My kids are funny. They’re also infuriating, disobedient, and conniving at times, but mostly they’re funny. This has been one of the most difficult aspects of parenting for my husband and me — keeping a straight face when they say or do something that’s funny, but inappropriate. We can handle just about anything else that gets thrown at us except for acting serious when we need to.

Little Man knows a few bad words. Between living with me for 10 years and watching various superhero movies, this was inevitable. Whatever. As long as he doesn’t repeat them, I don’t care. He knows that those words are inappropriate for him to say at his age, and he usually does good with that. (There was the time he stepped in mud in front of two preachers when he was in kindergarten. He yelled out “dammit!” much to the amusement of us all.)

He once told me about an opportunity he had at school to educate some children on the playground in second grade. Apparently a few other boys were talking about the bad words they know. Little Man told me that “damn” and “hell” were mentioned.

Good boy. I appreciated him not attempting to enhance their vocabularies for a change.

As recently as this past week, LM told me that some of those same boys have been dropping the f-word at recess as long as they’re out of earshot of the teachers, so their knowledge has expanded a bit over the past two years. The kiddo also told me about learning about flipping the bird, except for what the kids at school think it means is very different from what it actually means.

So for those fourth graders, flipping someone off is basically like calling them a heathen. I did my parental duty and told LM that wasn’t what it meant and educated him. Hey, him knowing is better than thinking the meaning isn’t that bad and getting in trouble for flipping someone off like I did when I was in third grade. I thought it meant “You’re stupid” and got in quite a bit of trouble for flipping off my sister. I passed on teaching him the double bird.

Even though the boy is good about not using adult words, he has asked to use them on occasion. One such time a couple of years ago when he really enjoyed the meatloaf I made for supper.

“Just say whatever it is you wanted to say without cursing, okay?” I told him. (Do as I say, not as I do.)

Point made.

At least he didn’t hit me and tell me that my meatloaf was “slap your mama good” like he did over something else I made.

Around the same time, we had this gem of a conversation:

I can only imagine how many times he heard a strange noise and glanced out the classroom window, hoping to see aliens descending upon the school so that he would have an opportunity to use his word.

And wow! We’re down into the final week of the A to Z Challenge!

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin.

#AtoZChallenge: ‘R’ is for Religion

When I was a kid and teen, my grandmother used to call me a “heathen.” Whenever I was sassy, made crude jokes, or did something silly, I was “acting like a heathen.” I’ve taken to calling my kids heathens, too, although it’s usually more of a term of affection. Usually.

Even though I lovingly call them heathens, they are definitely straight up heathenly at times. Some of the funny questions they’ve asked or comments they’ve made regarding religion has qualified them for that. (And some of the comments that inspired the doodles that follow are completely innocent, but I’m sticking with calling them “heathens” nonetheless.)

Recently Baby Girl asked some questions about God. “Who is he? What does he do? What are his powers?” I answered these questions to the best of my ability and this was how she responded to that:

When she’s not busy comparing the big guy to Superman, Baby Girl has a pretty interesting prayer she sometimes says before supper:

No, God, please don’t.

The boy has always been known for saying funny things, and he is definitely no exception when it comes to religion. When Little Man was about five, his grandma talked to him a bit about Jesus and heaven. Let’s just say that he took things very literally.

The boy also got pretty clever one day when I was trying to drive home the point that he should listen better…

Another time when Little Man was five, he shared his thoughts on God’s personal appearance and responsibilities.

Bow tie…ponytail…is God part of an all male revue that is blessed with the powers of Harry Potter?

Finally, there was this moment that certainly made someone else think that Little Man a legit heathen. We were at Chick-Fil-A one day last year and LM was playing in the play area. He came out after a while and told me that some lady in there had started going on about religion to him. He was visibly annoyed by this.

I asked what happened exactly, and LM said that he had said, “Oh my god” about something, and the lady scolded him about that.

I cracked up at the absurdity of that. Little Man told me that he informed her that in his house we say “Oh my god” all the time, to which the lady replied that God cries every time we do that. I apologize in advance for the Dorky family causing the next great flood.

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin.

#AtoZChallenge: ‘Q’ is for Quiz

Once again, we’re not blasting too far to the past for today’s post. A few weeks ago, I asked both of my kids a set of 23 questions. I’m pretty sure these questions originated with Eric from All In A Dad’s Work, but I could be wrong. (And if I am wrong, he has a series where he asks his kids lots of questions that you should check out, as his children are hilarious.)

These questions were asked with no prompting, which will probably be painfully obvious with the amount of one-question answers or off-topic answers they give me.

(Little Man is 10 and Baby Girl is 3.)

1. What is something mom always says to you?

LM: Cuss words. (Laughs) “Clean up your room!”

BG: “I love you.”

2. What makes mom happy?

LM: Saying cuss words. (Laughs) Cuddling with us, being around me and Baby Girl.

BG: Hugging.

3. What makes mom sad?

LM: Not saying cuss words. (Laughs) Being around smelly dogs.

BG: Yelling. Ooooh!

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

LM: With your blog and Yo Mama jokes.

BG: Her scares me.

5. What was your mom like as a child?

LM: I have no idea.

BG: Like Bilbo (our dog).

6. How old is your mom?

LM: 34

BG: 12

7. How tall is your mom?

LM: I have no idea.

BG: This big.

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

LM: Watch TV.

BG: Work.

9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?

LM: Not anything good.

BG: Hop your butt around.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

LM: Being the best mom ever.

BG: Prize.

11. What is your mom really good at?

LM: Being the best mom ever.

BG: Working.

12. What is your mom not very good at?

LM: Being the worst mom ever.

BG: Eating.

13. What does your mom do for a job?

LM: Sit back, relax, and watch TV. (Laughs) You predict the weather and write and get paid.

BG: Work. You do the “ah-ti-cles”

I do write, but I do not predict the weather.

14. What is your mom’s favorite food?

LM: Coke, easily.

BG: French fries.

15. What makes you proud of your mom?

LM: Everything.

BG: Working.

16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?

LM: Godzilla. Because you’re evil and big. Not big in a fat way, but big like big and tall.

BG: Spiderman.

17. What do you and your mom do together?

LM: Play chess, watch TV, talk.

BG: Play and puzzles

18. How are you and your mom the same?

LM: In every way except for gender.

BG: Hugging.

19. How are you and your mom different?

LM: In gender and that’s it.

BG: (Makes a goofy face)

20. How do you know your mom loves you?

LM: You’re my mother, duh.

BG: You kiss me.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?

LM: Everything.

BG: You do something funny

22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?

LM: Home.

BG: Chuck E. Cheese’s with me.

23. How old was your mom when you were born?

LM: No clue.

BG: 3

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin.

#AtoZChallenge: ‘P’ is for Pregnancy

Today we’re going back over 10 years, to when I was pregnant with Little Man. I was a bundle of nerves during that pregnancy, and let me tell you, between the pregnancy hormones, my tendency to have mood swings whether I’m pregnant or not, and being tightly wound from the anxiety, I wasn’t always the funnest person to be around.

My husband is probably going to think that is the understatement of the year when he reads this, and you guys might think the same by the time you reach the end of this post. I’m not one to cry much — unless I’m watching Disney Pixar films, and then I can’t stop the waterworks — but I would cry over just about anything while I was pregnant..

The Vegetables

My husband and I had only been married for a year when we got pregnant with Little Man. We decided that I was going to be a stay-at-home-mom, so one of the things I did during my pregnancy was try to improve my cooking skills. This didn’t go very well for me, which you already know if you’ve read the Mommy Started The Fire post.

One day I decided to make stir fry, which included cooking a bag of frozen vegetables. The instructions said that I only needed a little bit of water to make the veggies, and I thought that was a mistake, since I’d never seen anyone cook veggies that weren’t covered in water (unless they were fried) before. (Dear 23-year-old me — steaming exists.)

My husband assured me that the veggies would turn out fine if I followed the recipe. Three minutes into cooking, I was convinced that he was wrong and got super upset about my plan of making a good supper being ruined.

This happened:

Let’s just say that my husband was pretty bewildered with this. After he calmed me down and I got myself together, I cleaned up the mess and got a new packet of veggies. I cooked them according to the instructions, and guess what? The instructions were correct. I just needed to have a little more trust in both the people in charge of putting recipes on the back of frozen food packs and my husband.

Navigating

In addition to being a sucky cook, I’m also terrible at driving places. I have a hard time remembering where things are, my brain doesn’t do directions, and I tend to panic when I’m trying to go somewhere new. If Driving Under the Influence of Stupidity charges were a thing, I wouldn’t have a license at this point.

One day I had to drive somewhere in the town I lived in and got lost. I tried using the GPS I got for Christmas, but it didn’t help because it told me to turn on a road that didn’t exist. I had never felt so betrayed before in my life — we waited in line at 5AM on Black Friday to get that GPS for a bargain, and it did this?! In a state of panic, I called up my husband, who was at work.

He was more amused than bewildered this time, especially when he asked why I didn’t use my GPS, and I told him that there was an attempt. He later told me that after he told a couple of guys at work that I was lost again, they also asked why I didn’t use my GPS (they were aware of my tendency to call and ask how to go places) and had a good laugh over it.

Grocery Shopping

There was more than one teary shopping incident during that pregnancy (there is no worse feeling than knowing you have to walk to the back of Walmart during the ninth month), but for this post, I’ll focus on the one that left a cashier kinda freaked out.

This was during the last trimester of my pregnancy. I went grocery shopping at Aldi and had the cart loaded up. During checkout, I got out my debit card to pay, and when I swiped my card, it asked for my PIN. I started to enter it, but then my mind completely blanked — I didn’t have a clue what the number was. Thanks, pregnancy brain.

The store was mostly empty and there was no one else in my line, so the cashier didn’t have a problem with me calling my husband to get the number. Unfortunately, he didn’t answer, which caused me to freak out a bit. I then called my grandmother to see if she had any idea what my PIN was, but she didn’t since she had no reason to know.

Cue the tears.

You guys would have been crying, too, if you had Aldi’s danish pastries in your cart and had to leave them behind. I’m only focusing on LM’s pregnancy for this post, but if I had opened it up to tear-fests during Baby Girl’s pregnancy, I’d write about the time I angry cried over the ice cream store being out of cookies and cream. Pregnant women don’t play when it comes to sweets.

I didn’t figure out the PIN while I was there. I had to leave the cart and wait for my husband to get back to me before I could pay for those groceries. Y’all better believe that I avoided eye contact when I eventually went back in. Good times, those pregnancy days.

Bonus: Poop

When Candy at Geek Mamas suggested that I should’ve saved the poop story from yesterday for today, the P day, I told her that I already had planned to write about pregnancy. That reminded me of something that combines the pregnancy and pooping worlds: The Fear.

There comes a moment during pregnancy when a woman makes a realization. Much like the, “Wow, I don’t even know this little leech yet, but I really love him!” moment, women also experience a, “Holy shit, I could poop during delivery!” moment. The Fear. That moment isn’t nearly as joyous as the former.

I was into the second trimester when I realized that it was possible that I could poop while trying to deliver my child.

I could see it happening plain as day — I’d be in the final stages of my drug-free delivery (lol) and instead of pushing out a baby, I’d accidentally push out a turd.

You’ll be happy to know that — after months of worrying about this and trying to figure out ways to prevent such a thing from happening — I didn’t poop. I asked my husband after delivering Little Man, and he assured me that no extras were delivered. Whew.

What’s something silly that you’ve cried over? 

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin.

#AtoZChallenge: ‘O’ is for “Oh, My God”

Today’s post is going to be short and sweet (and hopefully funny). This one happened a few weeks ago, so we’re not blasting too far into the past for this one.

We were at Walmart recently when Baby Girl had to use the bathroom. I love that she’s potty trained and that we don’t need pullups except for at night, but I hate public restrooms. There are exactly three restrooms in my town that don’t make me feel like I’m going to die when I go into them, and if I absolutely have to go, I’ll do whatever I can to get to one of those.

Yes, it’s possible that Little Man gets his fear of public restrooms from me (even though I totally play dumb when the doc asked). Remember this?

Unfortunately, when you have a little kid, avoiding public restrooms isn’t always possible.

After Baby Girl loudly announced her need to void her bladder, which no less than three other people heard, we headed towards the family restroom. It’s big enough to avoid touching the sides of the grimy stalls and is usually cleaner.

Usually.

You’ve probably gathered that wasn’t the case on that day, and it wasn’t, not by a long shot. Here’s what we saw:

Despite being a toddler who was known for licking poop once, Baby Girl is also squeamish when it comes to public restrooms, so when she saw the poop on the toilet, she started yelling.

Out we went. And just after we exited the family restroom, Little Man, who was waiting outside started yelling.

Good lord. One of the workers took notice of Baby Girl’s partially clothed body and cracked up. I yanked up her pants and headed to the ladies’ restroom. Thankfully we were able to find a stall that was poop free that time.

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin.

#AtoZChallenge: ‘M’ is for Money

Today’s Blast to the Past post takes us back about a year.

I’m hard of hearing. Some of y’all already knew this, but now the rest of you do, too. I’ve struggled with hearing since I was a baby. While this has certainly made things difficult at times, it has also made for quite a few humorous situations.

There have been times where I thought someone was making lewd comments, but wasn’t. There was a time when I accidentally volunteered to teach a Sunday School class because I misheard something. (This probably amused my husband more than it did me, especially since it lasted about a year.) And there was the time when I looked like the biggest asshole in the world.

One day my husband and I went to Walmart with the kids. As we were parking, I noticed that a local karate studio had a table set up out front. I assumed that they were trying to get people to sign up for a free lesson, which which I planned to shut down immediately. Little Man had tried the karate thing when he was younger, and it wasn’t for him. Plus, being a person with a bit of social anxiety, it makes me really uncomfortable when people approach me like this, so I really wanted to scurry past.

As we walked up, one of the people in a karate outfit said something to me. I didn’t hear what he said, but I assumed he was trying to sign up people…

After we walked inside, my husband burst out laughing. He laughed and laughed and laughed to the point that he had tears running down his cheeks. I asked what was so funny, and he eventually sputtered out the following:

Holy crap.

Y’all, I felt awful. What kind of monster says they tried donating to a society that helps people with Down Syndrome one time and didn’t like it and won’t do it again?!

I was too embarrassed at the moment to walk back out and explain things, but by the time we reached the checkout counter, I had worked up the nerve. I got out a few bucks and planned to tell the guy that I hadn’t heard him earlier and apologize.

Well, as luck would have it, the group had left already. So now there is someone in my town who believes that an asshole whose experience donating to a Down Syndrome society left such a bad taste in her mouth that she’ll never do it again exists.

Thanks for joining me for the April A to Z Challenge! If you’re participating, please leave a link in the comments section so I can check out your post.

Want to connect on social media? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, and Bloglovin.