I’ve made New Year’s resolutions before. I’ve resolved to write in journals, to finish up baby books, to lose weight, and to stop cursing under my breath so much. One year, my husband and I even made a wager for our New Year’s resolutions. If he lost 30 pounds first, then I wouldn’t play Hanson in the car for a month. If I lost it first, then he had to get a tattoo of my choosing. So far, the boys have never been banned in my car, and my husband still hasn’t been inked. So, we aren’t not New Year’s resolutions all-stars.
This year, I’m not resolving to lose weight. I’m not resolving to spend less money on frivolous purchases. I’m also not resolving to curse less. I will make an effort to improve myself, but that’s as much as I’ll say, and I certainly won’t put it down on paper. I am, however, making some parenting resolutions. And these aren’t resolutions like “Spend more time with my kids” because I’m a SAHM and if I spend anymore time with my kids, I just might go insane.
I resolve to take a crap by myself. Before I had kids, I’d never have imagined that anyone would want to join me while I take a crap, but here we are. It’s annoying not to be able to use the bathroom in peace, and it’s super annoying to not to be able to use the bathroom in peace while someone is complaining about me.
I resolve to have less anxiety attacks during the middle of the night. Now, I’m all about making some mental health goals (and I’m thinking about branching out into talking about that sort of stuff on this blog later), but this isn’t your run-of-the-mill anxiety attack. This sort of anxiety attack is caused by kids who crash into my bedroom during the middle of the night and scare me half to death, because my brain always jumps to the worse case scenario when I hear a noise.
I’m thinking that some well-placed barbed wire could keep them away from my bedroom door.
I resolve not stop for a bathroom break when we’re less than a mile from our house. Here’s the deal — my kids are given the opportunity to use the bathroom before they leave the house (or anywhere else). They claim they don’t have to use the bathroom, so we get in the car and leave. As luck would have it, these children have bladder conditions that cause them to have to pee when we’re five minutes away from the house. That ends this year.
We’re gonna solve this medical mystery one way or another, and if we don’t…well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
I resolve to eat a candy bar without sharing. If you’ve watched Lord of the Rings, then do you remember how the second Frodo put the One Ring on his finger that Sauron — who was probably hundreds of miles away — knew immediately and was like “OMG get him!” Well, my kids are like that with junk food. This year, I will consume at least one candy bar or Little Debbie cake while my children are present without giving them any. It may be the most challenging on my list, but it’s happening.
I resolve to wear my bra more. This one almost falls under the typical parenting resolutions umbrella. Almost. Remember the post where I talked about how when I take off my bra that I won’t leave the house and do things for people? Well, this year I resolve to keep my bra on for an extra 30 minutes per day. This is probably the most generous resolution I’ve ever made.
This will still happen, just a little later than normal.
I resolve to give my kids superpowers. I once wrote about having certain superpowers, and one of those superpowers was having enhanced vision. This year, I will no longer be the only person who can find something in my house. They will be able to find the other shoe. They will be able to locate their own homework. And they will be able to find Woody’s cowboy hat (or whatever toy). We’ll start small and have them work on locating items that are three feet or less away, and then we’ll work up to locating items that are in the same room.
What parenting resolutions are you making?
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