Parenting Advice Series: Freaking Socks

Someone told me that I should give parenting advice on my blog. I snickered to myself when she said it, because what the heck do I have to offer people in terms of advice? I’ve been a mom for a decade, and I’m only slightly less clueless than the day I brought the first kid home from the hospital. I’m useless where getting picky eaters to eat goes. I couldn’t tell you how to get the kids out the door so you can get to school on time. And I definitely couldn’t tell you how to deal with tantrums, relatives who think they know how to raise your kids better than you, or how to keep car seats clean.

“Maybe I’ll do that,” I said, because I didn’t want to say, “I’m the last person anyone should come to for parenting advice.”

But then — nine months later (because it takes the same amount of time for me to have a good idea as it does to grow a baby) — I was folding clothes and I had a thought.

Oooh, SOCKS. Maybe I do have a little parenting advice to offer the world.  (Well, if not the world, then new parents, at least.) It only took a moment of rage to figure that out. And then I started thinking about other things along those lines, and boom — I had enough stuff to make a post. Or two. Or three.

Here we go.

In my time as a parent, I’ve learned that you should never buy cute socks for the kids. Cute socks come in different cute designs and colors, and do you know what all of that cuteness means? NEVER HAVING A PAIR OF SOCKS THAT MATCH. I wish you could see my laundry basket right now. It is full of cute socks that are missing their mates. There is even a sock that fit my preemie sized Baby Girl in the basket that is holding out hope that one day I’ll find the other one. (I refuse to throw it away. I’ll take that baby sock to my grave if I have to.)

I don’t have a clue where the damn things go, either. It’s almost like someone is breaking in my house when I’m not home and stealing socks here and there. If you’ve watched Home Alone, then you’ve heard of the Wet Bandits, and now there’s the Sock Bandits. All they take is one sock from each matching pair, because they want to slowly drive you insane.

(If those guys look familiar, it’s because they made an appearance in a post I did where I mentioned using a bug spray of sorts to get rid of religious people showing up unannounced. I guess payback is a bitch.)

I’ve looked in all the drawers, under the couch, in the toy boxes, and I cannot find them. I get missing a few socks, but I have at least 40 socks in that basket.

Are the sock companies in cahoots? Do they rig the socks in a way that makes one of them self-destruct after a certain amount of time, so that you have to keep buying more? Because — aside from the self-destruct component costing more than the sock itself costs to be made — that’s a good explanation.

Or maybe there is a portal to another dimension in my house that only socks can access. There is another world completely filled with socks that don’t match. Or maybe it’s not another dimension at all and is just part of one of the circles of Hell that wasn’t mentioned in Inferno. Dante was all like, “Shit, socks are boring, so I’ma focus on people being ripped apart by dogs.” In a less exciting area, there was a pile of socks that the sinners had to sort through for eternity.

I can understand why he would leave that out, since writing about sock sorting in a poem is kind of lame.

(New thought: a series on the nine circles of hell, parenting style.)

So, take it from me — don’t buy socks with designs or colors or brand logos or anything. Don’t be like me and go, “Ugh, those plain socks are so fugly, I’m gonna get these cute stripey ones where each pair comes in a different color and maybe the moon and stars will align and none of them will get lost.”

Where do you think the socks go?

Author: Erika

I’m a SAHM to two kids. When I’m not doing all the typical mom things (diapers, soccer, etc.), I like writing, reading, and playing games. Clearly I live the life of a rock star.

77 thoughts on “Parenting Advice Series: Freaking Socks”

  2. If the kids can put their toys away, they can put their laundry away. They don’t care if their socks match, and we don’t care either as long as they dress themselves and put their laundry where it belongs. I don’t care if it gets folded or mashed into the drawers, as long as we don’t have to do anything more than wash and dry it. I figure once they start caring how they look, they’ll take the time to fold and hang their clothes properly. Or at the very least we’ll have them groomed not to be complete slobs as young adults!

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    1. My kids couldn’t care less if their socks match, but I just wanna know where they go.

      I hope my 10-year-old starts caring about grooming himself one day. Right now we are still at the “Aww not a shower phase!” 🙄🙄

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      1. What is it with kids and showers?! I have the same thing going on in my house! They scream bloody torture when they’re getting bathed. Then I’m yelling, stop screaming and they start yelling louder and it all turns into a screaming match! Ugh!

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    2. I agree! My oldest has been folding and putting away, her and her brothers clothes for the past few years – she’s 11 now. And I could care less how any of it looks in the drawers, just get the baskets emptied! 😊🙌🏽

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  4. I think this post wins Best Doodle Award!! I can’t decide which I like best: the burning sock with its mate singing (PERFECT song choice!) or the guy sorting mismatched socks! SO funny!!!!
    Where do they go? I think every dryer comes with a space portal juuust big enough for socks to go through. In the future some spaceship is going to be f****d because it runs into a giant ball of mismatched socks from earth….

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    1. We did find a sock in there once. The clothes weren’t drying properly, and even though I clean the lint trap regularly, I used a hanger to fish below it and found A TON of lint, plus a sock, and some other stuff.

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  7. I could have totally used this a week ago, right before I bought my 17 month old new, cute socks. And well before I remembered she likes to take everything out of her laundry basket. One of those socks is missing its friend and I can’t find it, which makes me wonder if she ate it.

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  8. It may be the washer because I’m sure I put two of each in but I don’t always check that there are two coming out. I have a drawer where we keep the unmatched socks just in case the other one shows up. Interestingly, since the kids are grown and do their own laundry, I don’t have any missing socks! Maybe the sock thief only likes kid socks – kind of like the tooth fairy?

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  9. Last week my Maytag broke. Just BROKE in the middle of rinsing toddler vomit from my bedding the day after a late night. It would not drain or spin. I managed to get all the clothes out, squeezed and into the dryer, and then Googled it…something must be stuck in the drain pump. What’s a drain pump? Apparently, it’s the place the socks go, because that was what my husband pulled out of it, with needle-nosed pliers, from his position on the floor under the propped-up washer. A single, cute girl’s toddler sock took down my invincible washing machine. I feel this post. They are evil!

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  12. We gave up and started buying socks with horizontal or vertical stripes. They match because of the lines going in the same direction, colors be damned. The girl STILL wears one vertical stripe and one horizontal stripe on each foot and says “It’s going to be one of those days.” Even gets the eyeroll in there.

    My other theory is sock Gremlins. Use the orphan socks to make an ugly holiday sweater, lol.

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  13. I buy different socks for my three kids. My boy have work socks as he’s a tradie so all thick black socks.
    My youngest gets one type of Bonds socks. My oldest buys her own socks now.
    It makes it easier when you buy the same colour 😂
    We only have whites , black and greys in my house. Though the girls sometimes buy cute socks and then they all end up mismatched in my mismatched socks bag.

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  15. Socks get eaten by the dryer. When we find $$ in there it because the dryer is paying us back for them. I also heard lost socks become plastic lids that don’t fit any containers. My socks never match! Life’s too short for that.

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  16. Cute!
    We are a sock people. We have only athletic and cute socks. Many socks are tossed over the side of the barrel in a top-loader. Some of them are surely napped in the night as depicted, or eaten by a sofa cushion or a dog.
    Sassy doesn’t match her socks. She matches the kind of sock, but not actual pairs. I can’t live like that, but she’s fine with it.

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    1. Haha! I can’t do mismatched, either. I doubt the kids would care about theirs, but I can’t imagine going through my day knowing that my feet don’t match up, even if I can’t see them.

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  17. I have no idea where the socks go… that said I am a strong supporter of mismatched socks 356 days a year. The other handful of days are when I got to someone’s house and don’t want to be judged that I am an adult not wearing matching socks.

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  18. Pingback: Just Call Me Super Mom – Dorky Mom Doodles

  19. LOL! I have always washed baby and toddler socks in a mesh bag and I never lose them. Every now and then, one or two don’t make it in the bag (or I forget to zip it up) and they always end up in the gasket of our front-loader, soaking wet and covered in whatever dirt I just washed off all the other clothes.

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  25. This is right up there with the best parenting advice I’ve ever read. Too late for me though, you have to get in on the ground floor with socks when they’re born or else you’re doomed to forever hoping to find the match.

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  31. Pingback: Catch You On The Flippity-Flip, 2018! – Dorky Mom Doodles

    1. 😀 I always buy myself cute socks with funny sayings or superhero socks, but I may have to stop since I’ve lost a chunk of mine recently, too. If you can’t beat ’em, join them, I guess.

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  34. The sock thief was rife in my house too. I had a basket of odd socks in the end and the boys just used to randomly pick out whichever unmatched ones they wanted … I think I just began to not sweat the small stuff, or maybe I was just too utterly knackered to care any more!! Great post. Katie

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  36. Pingback: Parenting Advice Series #2: Don’t Screw Up Netflix – Dorky Mom Doodles

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