Just Fix The Damn Sandwich

If you read the title of this post, then you know that I’m going to be writing about food. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, then you know that when I talk about food, I also have to tell you guys about all of my food problems first to set the scene, so to speak. Skip to the story if you know the spiel, or continue reading if you either don’t know the spiel or want to hear it again, because it gives you a little comfort knowing that no matter how weird you are, you’ll never be as weird as the dork with the blog.

I’ve been given a lot of titles in my life — daughter, sister, wife, mother, foul-mouthed bitch. Picky eater is another one of my titles. Always have been, always will be, I imagine. I do try to eat different foods on occasion (such as my husband’s amazing looking salad from Viva Chicken that had kale, avocado, onions, and beans). Unfortunately, no matter how scrumptious the foods look or smell, I have a tough time getting past certain textures, so I’m forever the weirdo who orders chicken nuggets at Mexican restaurants and asks for “double cheeseburgers without cheese” at certain burger chains that refuse to let me order in a normal fashion.

Despite my pickiness, there are a few things that I do like that others consider weird. One of those is the pepperoni sub, something I fell in love with when I was pregnant with Little Man. And let me tell you, that pepperoni sub was the bane of my husband’s existence during that pregnancy. In addition to the tear fests and demands for bags of Sonic’s yummy ice, I would regularly send him out to Jersey Mike’s for a pepperoni sub.

I know what you’re thinking — “A pepperoni sub doesn’t sound so bad. What’s not to like about pizza subs?”

This is where I tell you that when I say pepperoni sub, I literally mean just pepperoni and bread. No cheese. No sauce. No veggies. Nothing but pepperoni on sub bread.

Whenever my husband would go out to buy me these subs, he’d always get looked at like a freak, because it is apparently unheard of in the sub world for people to order subs with one ingredient on them. (I get treated like a freak when I order subs with only turkey and a bit of mustard, but it’s nothing compared to the judgment that comes with pepperoni subs.) He’d explain that he was buying them for his pregnant wife, which would get him a little bit of understanding, but they still thought it was strange, even as far as pregnancy cravings go.

With many pregnant women, their crazy pregnancy cravings go away after their wombs are evacuated, but that wasn’t the case with me. Even though I rarely eat them now because I’ll get ferocious heartburn, I still very much enjoy pepperoni subs.

Earlier this week, I took my son to see the new Ant Man movie. After it was over, I popped into the Firehouse Subs place for a pepperoni sub, since it had been forever and a day since I had one. This did not go well, which you’ve probably gathered from the title of this post.

I placed the order for the pepperoni sub and got this reaction:

I explained. Pepperoni. Bread. That’s it.

I’ve never seen someone look so confused since roundabouts started becoming a thing in the south. The cashier quickly tapped out and called over who I assume was the manager to handle me. He asked what I wanted and I repeated “A pepperoni sub. Just pepperoni on a white sub roll.”

No. Pepperoni. Bread. That’s all.

(By the way — this isn’t the first time a manager has had to be called over to handle my order. Check out the time I ordered a whole chicken by accident.)

He rang it up as a turkey sub, adding a $2 charge for extra meat. Whaaat? I’m only getting one ingredient on this sandwich and I have to pay more? Eh, whatever. I just wanted my sub.

There was much giggling while my sub was being prepared. I was asked no less than eight times if I was certain that I only wanted pepperoni on my sub. Little Man disappeared at one point. I figured he was embarrassed by his mom, but after we left and I asked, he hadn’t noticed a thing. Before I was given my sub, one of the other workers made one last attempt at getting me to put something on my sandwich.

She sounded legitimately concerned for my well-being. I can only imagine what was going through her head. “Is she off her meds? Is she of sound mind to care for the child who is with her? Should I call child and adult protective services?”

I briefly considered telling her that I was allergic to cheese and all of the other things, but I know that’s a douchey move considering how many people with serious allergies and sensitivities don’t get taken seriously, so I didn’t. After I told her that I was certain, she asked, “Well, you don’t want the pickle…do you?”

It made perfect sense that she’d assume I wouldn’t want that pickle, but I did, in fact, want the pickle.

When my sandwich was finally handed over, I left. There was no way in hell I’d have stuck around to eat it in there. I opened it up in the car, and my son, who claimed he wasn’t remotely hungry when we went in the restaurant, commented that it smelled good and asked for a bite. Being the little genius he is, he immediately recognized what a good sandwich it was and asked for half of it, which I gave him.

The confusion and giggling and likelihood that they’ll plaster a photo of me next to the register saying, “Do not serve this woman” was worth it. The sandwich was damn good.

On a side note, I told my husband that I should’ve left, gone down to Subway, and brought back my sub (assuming they’d make it without a hassle) and have a Pretty Woman moment. Show off my wonderful sub and tell them they made a big mistake. Huge. 😉

Just so you guys know, bacon sandwiches are awesome, too. Just add a bunch of bacon to a sandwich and toast it in a bit of bacon grease, and you’ve got the second best sandwich in existence. 

What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever ordered in a restaurant?

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Author: Erika

I’m a SAHM to two kids. When I’m not doing all the typical mom things (diapers, soccer, etc.), I like writing, reading, and playing games. Clearly I live the life of a rock star.

40 thoughts on “Just Fix The Damn Sandwich”

  1. I don’t like pepperoni so that wouldn’t appeal to me at all even with stuff on it, but I do have to order double cheeseburgers with no cheese for my husband too so I hear you on that one. He hates cheese on his burgers but likes double patties. Me – gimme the cheese!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My kid had me make him peanut butter and white bread sandwiches, back in grade school. No jelly? No jam? No honey? Nothing to counteract the thtickiness of the pb. Weird. But weird in a way that you can relate to 😘 A good weird.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I used to take peanut butter sandwiches to school all the time, too. 😁 The jelly would make the bread kinda soggy. Now that I don’t have to wait hours and get soggy bread, I eat both.

      Like

  3. Apparently I am more troublesome—or odd- than you. I will order a sub of some type but ask the attendant to add things as he or she would. This request seems to rattle people, though I can’t understand why. I have sought advice from friends as to why I am ‘trouble walking,’ but they only emphasize my being rude. Rude? Giving people freedom is rude?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t think this is weird. You’re putting your self in the hands of someone else, showing them your trust. They should feel flattered and responsible.
      I always ask servers what’s good in a new place. Are you going to ask servers at some of my faves what people are liking these days.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. While I’m an open-minded woman who’d never tell you not to eat a pepperoni sub, I do wonder how you are able to swallow such a dry sandwich. Without O&V or mayo or lettuce + tomato, how can you eat it? Or do you drink a quart of soda to help wash it down?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It actually isn’t dry at all. They steamed the pepperoni to heat it, which made it more moist than normal, but a thick layer of pepperoni and good bread isn’t any drier than a turkey sandwich. I’d still take a quart of coke though, because yum.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I love the sign in the last doodle!!
    I love getting sub sandwiches because if I get mayo on it, my husband won’t eat it. He’s kind of like a vacuum cleaner, and a super fast eater, probably as a result of his job. But he refuses to eat mayo, so my sandwich is safe!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nice! That makes me think I should start added little bits of pepperoni to some of the stuff I want to eat later, as my husband always steals my leftovers too.

      Like

  6. When I studied in Italy we had a cafeteria staff (of Italians) that made bagged lunches for us American students whenever we went on field trips. It was always the same– salami on a moon rock (what we called the white rolls they served). No sauce, no cheese. Just cured meat on bread. It was GREAT. By the way, once I “invented” a sandwich of chocolate fudge on french bread. I highly recommend it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oooh, next time I’m gonna tell the judgers that it’s an Italian delicacy then and turn the shame around on them for not knowing better 😀 You just can’t go wrong with good meat and good bread.

      Mmm, that sounds great.

      Like

  7. I don’t really have any weird food things, but I have to comment on the restaurant comic. I love the menu item “judgemental looks,” but it was priced wrong! It cost you an extra two bucks to get those lousy looks. Great story. I really thought that your son was going to start eating the sandwich and find out that the makers put something other than pepperoni and pickles on the bread. I wanted you to tell the restaurant workers, “JUST MAKE THE DAMN SANDWICH.!”

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Okay. First, let me tell you I DO NOT EAT PEPPERONI. I did when I carried Sassy though. In fact, it was the thing that broke years of meatless eating. I would have beaten people to get at that pepperoni. Only then though, not since. I think pepperonis taste like dog food smells, which is terrible, because I am Italian. Shh.
    Anyway, I resent the fact that you go to a place with custom sandwiches and they won’t make you what you want without question. It’s hypocritical and irrational. Further, I resent not being able to get a special deal on pizza unless I want to pick the pepperoni off. WHY, WHY, WHY would they charge me extra to NOT get pepperoni?!? These things upset me, E.
    Bowls at Qdoba have given me trouble. I want about five pieces of chicken. I don’t mind to pay full chicken price, but I fail to see why they must put all 20-25 pieces of chicken in it. I’m saving them money, they could be kinder. :/ One time, the lady was so rude about my preference for light chicken, I seriously considered throwing my unwanted chicken at her. I really did. But that’s assault. So instead, I tossed each piece of unwanted chicken into the trash can one by one by one in front of her while maintaining steady eye contact.
    Next time I went in, she left the front until I was done paying.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg, you’re Phoebe!

      It really is annoying. I expected it by now, but seriously…just make the damn sandwich. It’s not like I’m going to a nice restaurant and fucking up dishes that world class chefs come up with. Maybe I should just ask for a sandwich “deconstructed” and take the cheese home for my husband.

      Gah. People make no sense. Some of them must get off on being dicks for no good reason.

      Like

  9. 6 months pregnant here, and I keep going to Tim Hortons and ordering “Turkey Bacon Pretzel, no bacon, on a wrap instead of on a pretzel.” At first they didn’t give me a hard time about it at all, but lately it takes them FOREVER to decide how to ring it up.

    Liked by 1 person

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