The Long Vomit

If you’re planning to eat anytime soon — or are eating at the moment — save this post for later.

It has been a week since my last post, but no worries — I have not succumbed to fingernail jaundice. I’ve been dealing with lots of puke and two parties, and the two were not connected like they would’ve been in my college days.

It all started at midnight on Wednesday (well, technically Thursday). I was sitting in the living room waiting for my husband to come home from a Willie Nelson concert when Little Man ran into the living room. His wide eyes darted around in a sheer panic. Before I could ask what was the matter, he raised his hand to his mouth, and I knew. He dashed over to the trash can, but before I could yell, “The trash can is full [because I don’t like stinky things and I’m waiting on your dad to get home and empty it],” it happened. Puke everywhere.

I once described one of Baby Girl’s vomiting sessions as being like the nasty little girl in The Exorcist, but Little Man put them both to shame. If projectile vomiting were an Olympic sport, I think he’d have taken home the gold. He covered close to eight feet of my kitchen (including the trash can, island, and stuff on top of the island) with his vileness, which took me 1.5 episodes of Parks and Recreation (which he started watching while waiting to see if his stomach was settled before returning to bed) to clean.

Forget the Long Jump, we’ve got the Long Vomit.

I was hoping that it was something he’d eaten, since we had Baby Girl’s birthday weekend coming up, but it wasn’t. Not long after asking Baby Girl where she wanted to eat that night on Friday morning (her answers included “a wedding” and “chicky chicka,” a restaurant she made up), she covered me from head to toe with vomit. I jumped in the shower while my husband ran a bath to clean her off when I heard a blood curdling scream. I stuck my head out to ask what was wrong.

(I really hope you guys took my advice and aren’t eating right now.)

That wouldn’t be the last time we were puked on, as Baby Girl had an aversion to throwing up in the bucket we kept nearby. She informed me that she didn’t like throwing up in it, but wanted to throw up on ME. Just…what the hell did I do in a former life to deserve this?

Thankfully, like her brother, she was over the worst of it in about eight hours, and we didn’t have to cancel her birthday plans for the following evening. She spent her last day as a three-year-old snoozing in my arms between throw-up sessions. The puke sucked, of course, but I really enjoyed holding her all day and evening. It was like when I brought her home from the hospital again, except for instead of weighing five pounds, she weighed 30.

The rest of her birthday weekend went well. She had a Justice League themed birthday party, which was great, outside of The Pinata Incident. (Let’s just say that one should probably not take apart a t-ball set and give kids the adjustable tee to use to hit the pinata, as the adjustable part can go flying and hit one’s husband.)

So long, toddler years — they’re officially behind us, since we won’t be having anymore kids thanks to the snip-snip-sniparoo. Baby Girl should probably get a new blog nickname at this point (and so should Little Man, since he’s not so little anymore), but Little Woman and Medium Size Man don’t have quite the same ring to them.

 

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Author: Erika

I’m a SAHM to two kids. When I’m not doing all the typical mom things (diapers, soccer, etc.), I like writing, reading, and playing games. Clearly I live the life of a rock star.

39 thoughts on “The Long Vomit”

  1. Haha! All the things that parents must endure! These kids will make you see and clean things up you’d never done before and otherwise wouldn’t if they were one not my kid and two so darn cute! 😊💛 Hope they’re feeling better!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They are! For real, though, there are so many things the parenting books don’t warn you about. We need to get an anthology of stories from parents together to serve as a warning to the first-timers!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You certainly made the topic of vomit rather funny! I am glad both kids are feeling better though and that Baby Girl had an awesome birthday weekend 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ditto. My husband had too much at a football game once and threw up in the car. When we got home, he wasn’t in much of a state to be cleaning, but he was handed the towels and Lysol anyway.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, my baby girl (who is 21 now) also had some sort of something and did the vomiting thing but fortunately she can use the toilet. Unfortunately, I got it too and spent yesterday doing that very thing. Surprised my husband all to get out since I think the last time I remember vomiting was when I was pregnant, 21 years ago! No, not pregnant now due to advanced age 🙂 Glad to hear the party went off okay and how about Young Lady and Mini Man?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yikes! I hope you’re feeling all better now. I woke up in the middle of the night with it. Seems like there’s a bug going around everywhere judging from these comments all over in different states!

      I like it! 😀 I briefly considered Asshole 1 and Asshole 2, but the grandparents that read this blog might not like that 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you SO much for the warning – I first went to read this as I was starting to eat but after I saw your intro I came back to it later! 😂

    This made me chuckle a lot. It also made me fearful of one day having a puke-sodden toddler hand shoved into my own mouth 😱 Oh, the horror!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. There’s just nothin like pukin kids. 😦
    You wrote it well, but those of us who lived the tale. We KNOW.
    That sick got me good for a whole day, but then when it was done takin my insides out, it took about a week outta me. Bleh. Finally feelin great again! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s the thing about throwing up, how damn exhausting it is! Even though Baby Girl was feeling better for her Saturday birthday dinner, she still slept for half of it.

      Like

  6. The last time K puked was my own fault. He asked to spin around in my office chair. So I indulged him. weeeeee! So much fun! Then he sat on my lap for a minute, looked at me and said “I feel funny” and just covered me from head to toe. On the positive side, he is no longer interested in my office chair 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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