Female Instruments Of Torture

If you’re reading this post, then the Dorky family is officially on vacation! We’re going on a cruise, so I’ll have limited access to Internet over the next few days. Since I won’t be creating any new posts, I thought I’d take the opportunity to share some of my early posts that most of you likely haven’t seen.

Originally published in March of 2017…

We always hear about how rough childbirth is. For sure, it’s no walk in the park, but usually it’s the one or two or three days of your life where the pain factor was high, and you walked out with a little bundle of joy, so that kinda balanced things out, right? Let’s talk about the day-to-day pains (physical or otherwise) that are pretty damn bad that a) don’t leave you with a bundle of joy and b) don’t make you elated in any way.

The first one — underwire. OMFG. I know we’re supposed to avoid wearing bras with underwire for reasons I can’t think of (legit reasons, not “I’m afraid I’ll be stabbed and slowly bleed to death” reasons), but they’re more comfortable and supportive for me, so I do. It’s all good in the neighborhood until the wire that’s giving me a bit of form gets pissed off at all the work it’s doing and snaps. And then it’s like a drive by with a tiny sharp wire in my sideboob with every step I take until I free myself of the cursed contraption. I wouldn’t prefer labor with Little Man over the underwire, but I’ll take the C-section pain from after the spinal wears off over having to spend a day being stabbed by underwire.

And that brings me to epillators. I bought my first (and last) one a couple weeks ago. It was supposed to make my legs smooth for weeks, remove certain facial hairs that I don’t wanna bleach but want gone, and basically turn me from a 3 into about a 4.5. Lies, y’all, lies. Maybe I’m just doing it really wrong, but as far as I’m concerned, epillators are akin to medieval tools of torture. I have a high tolerance for pain, but I could only stand a few minutes of that. I want to box it up and send it back and leave a review calling it modern day torture, but they probably wouldn’t take it (and ew, would they resale a used epillator?). 10/10 I’d rather give birth to both kids again than shave both legs and other areas with that thing.

Hot wax. Hot not. Let me state for the record that the only thing I’ve ever had waxed is my eyebrows. Based on that, I can only imagine that ripping off hair in other areas would be godawful. Is it epillator bad? I don’t know and won’t be finding out just for the sake of this blog post.

Ain’t no flow like Aunt Flo. This one should go without saying, but look, it’s an angry uterus that looks like the Kool-Aid man ready to throw ovaries at you! As far as pregnancy comparisons go, I will say that some of these cramps have been every bit as intense as contractions. Not always, not often even, but it has happened. So, periods have their own torturous aspects. Plus, having to pay money for pads and tampons every month over the course of 40 or so years is a torture in its own right.

Crappy movies. Some of y’all will disagree with me on this. I know Lifetime sometimes shows legit movies, but when I’m flipping through, it usually isn’t. There are titles like “Who Killed Jenny’s Dad?” “Jenny’s Dad Returns: A Haunting” “The Face on the Milk Carton: The Untold Story of the Mysterious Disappearance of Jenny” and “Double Haunting: Ghosts Dad and Jenny Terrorize Mom.” Or something like that. You know how everyone says watching certain kids’ cartoons, like Peppa Pig or Spongebob, is torture? Well, Lifetime is about ten times worse. One day the kids are gonna find out that channels like Lifetime and Hallmark exist and are gonna want to know why we talked all that smack.

Laundry mountain. Maybe I shouldn’t be directing my hate at washing machines. After all, all it does is stand there. What I should be directing my frustration to is the individuals in my home who toss clean clothes in the hamper; the individuals who puke all over everything; the individuals who can’t go a week without spilling drinks all over. But, nah, I love my family, so I’ll hate on the washing machine and the laundry mountain that it eventually creates, and then cry online about having to fold everything being like delivering triplets with no medication. (Just kidding.)

So, torture…if you’re really pissed off at me, a great way to get back at me is to make me watch Lifetime movies while folding clothes while wearing a bad bra while on my period while you apply hot wax to one leg and go after the other with an epillator.

So, what would you add to your list of things that you find torturous? And men, what makes you go, “This is worse than a cold”?

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Author: Erika

I’m a SAHM to two kids. When I’m not doing all the typical mom things (diapers, soccer, etc.), I like writing, reading, and playing games. Clearly I live the life of a rock star.

27 thoughts on “Female Instruments Of Torture”

  1. 😆 your list! I mean, give me free pads for crying out loud! Women walk around bleeding – it’s a miracle in its self we’re all still alive. Now with my illness – I have bad vertigo, so I’ll include heels! I’ve tried to wear them on special occasions for the sake of trying to look fancy, nope, I can’t handle them anymore! I curse at them, who invented heels and why do women walk like they’re on stilts?! Not for me now! I’ve been curious about the epilator but after reading your review on it, I think I’ll pass. My 6 C-sections have been a breeze compared to that thing! 😳😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! And I swear, Aunt Flo makes her appearance during every vacation lately. Come on!

      Ooh yeah, no can do on the heels here either! I have a doodle planned just about heels 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re probably a bit younger than me, but I will say, Aunt Flo gets worse as you approach menopause. She knows her time is limited, so let’s stretch out the 4-5 days to 7-10, ok? This was hysterical!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Lol I missed you by just having one more?! That’s nothing, easy as cake or is it pie?! Can’t remember. It gets easier after the 5th one. No, still praying for patience – kids will help with that though! 🧡 That’s what they say about grandchildren. I only pray I am blessed with a few, just kidding, a whole lot of ‘em! 😊🙏


  3. Meal planning, grocery shopping, and meal cooking–that’s what I find torturous, because I have to do it. If I could just cook whenever I felt like it, I’d find it pleasant. But it’s the “having to” cook part I don’t like. 🙂 Have fun on your cruise!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree with all of the above (although I do wax since happens to be a lesser of the hair removal evils: shaving gives me a terrible rush). HAAAAATEEEEE to fold laundry!!!! Periods: awful; BUT I switched to a menstrual cup and don’t have to buy other products any longer. Downside of the cup- if you are squirmish around blood, it is definitely not for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My form of torture is our tile-floored house. Just to get it clean, I have to sweep, dust mop, and steam mop, which takes 2-3 hours for the whole house. By the time I’ve put all the chairs back, there are already dust bunnies from who knows where floating around. Or Noah throws tomato sauce on the floor immediately after. Gaahhh!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. As women we can all relate to all of these issues, I think we are oversensitive sometimes because we deal with things just fine, and the only thing that will ever break us is really nothing because a woman is stronger than any other species. Loved this post, made me laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

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