The Bleeping Tooth Fairy

There are many ways that I have failed at parenting.

I once forgot to put a filling in Little Man’s sandwich. Yep, my underweight child was sent to school with two slices of bread as his lunch entree. Christmas and birthday gifts have remained hidden for months following the events. There was the time that I floated the idea of carrot sticks for a post soccer game snack.

And then there’s the Tooth Fairy. The <insert all the bad words here> Tooth Fairy.

First, a little backstory…

When we had Little Man, my husband and I had the whole mythical characters discussion. You know, “Do we want to sell the whole Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy?” thing. For the record, this discussion ranks up there with discussions on whether one parent should quit their job, vaccinating, and college football team allegiance. It’s important.

We had our discussion and decided against Santa and the gang. I’m struggling to remember if it was a matter of not wanting to lie to our child (something all young, naive parents say they don’t want to do) or if we were just lazy assholes. Probably a bit of both.

I’m gonna go off on a tangent for a moment and tell you that if you ever tell a kid’s grandmother that you aren’t planning to do Santa, be prepared to be looked at like you’re the devil. At first she’ll squint her eyes and give you a look, wondering if you’re making yet another joke she isn’t getting. When she ascertains that you’re not kidding, she’ll lean in a little and sniff the air around you. She’ll make out like she has a sniffle, but it’s really about trying to detect booze on your breath. Because clearly drunkenness is the only reason a parent wouldn’t want to do Santa, right?

When she rules out jokes and booze, then she’ll move on to dropping hints that CPS will be called in the event tons of presents from a non-existent person (one that should be charged with B&E) aren’t given.

So, yeah, we do Santa Claus. (A modified version.)

We also put out baskets on Easter, because if you don’t put out baskets of chocolate on Jesus’s day, then surely you’re Satan. Little Man knows that there is no Easter Bunny (does any kid really believe in that?) and that getting treats isn’t what Easter is about, but we still have fun.

I did not expect to have to do the Tooth Fairy. Not even a little. Little Man questioned whether Santa was real when he was three because he didn’t think the story made sense. (We usually flip the Santa question back to him and he has continued to go along with it so far.) He knew the Easter Bunny was fake. But lo and behold, some kid in school loses a tooth and tells Little Man about the magical miniature being that leaves video games, cash, and toys under your pillow in exchange for your tooth. And he said he believed that.

The First Tooth

I can’t remember the circumstances surrounding Little Man losing his first tooth, but what I do remember is losing it. I don’t know if I accidentally threw it away or if I dropped it and it rolled under something. Whatever it was, I couldn’t find it. So as not to ruin the experience of losing his first tooth, I made a fake tooth out of popcorn.

Apparently teeth are like baby birds falling from their nests — if anyone else touches it, it will be rejected and die. Or, in the case of Little Man’s tooth, it will be rejected by the Tooth Fairy and he won’t get any loot.

Little Man didn’t bother the “tooth” and we later exchanged the popcorn for some cash. Crisis averted.

The Second Tooth

I didn’t lose this tooth, but I also didn’t have any money to leave under his pillow. After debating on leaving an IOU, I decided to borrow from Little Man’s piggy bank for money to put under his pillow. That was probably one of my low points as a parent, robbing my child to leave money from a fake fairy that collects children’s teeth.

Mommyburglar

The Third Tooth And Beyond

I’d love to be able to tell you that after losing the first tooth and not having money for the second tooth, that we learned our lesson and did better. But I’d be lying. There have been a couple of times when we pulled off the Tooth Fairy without a hitch, but mostly we screw up. I’ve lost more teeth, I’ve had to borrow more money from Little Man, and I’ve forgotten to make the switch.

That’s what happened with the most recent lost tooth. Little Man lost a molar minutes before his soccer game. He gave it to me to keep in my pocket, and miracle of miracles, it made it home. He put it under his pillow and woke up Sunday morning to find it still under his pillow. Crap.

My husband halfheartedly made up an excuse for the Tooth Fairy, but the boy wasn’t buying it.

“I don’t think the Tooth Fairy forgot so much as the parents forgot,” Little Man told my husband.

Burn.

That night Little Man put his tooth in a box at the foot of his bed so the Tooth Fairy wouldn’t have any problems. The next morning he found that his tooth had been traded out for three bucks.

“Look what the Tooth Fairy brought me!” he told us, showing us the money.

Yeah, right.

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Author: Erika

I’m a SAHM to two kids. When I’m not doing all the typical mom things (diapers, soccer, etc.), I like writing, reading, and playing games. Clearly I live the life of a rock star.

40 thoughts on “The Bleeping Tooth Fairy”

  1. LOL totally relate! We’ve forgotten several times and told the kids that the tooth fairy had too many kids lose teeth that night so he couldn’t get to everyone. Once we forgot two nights in a row! Man a LOT of kids lost teeth around that time. Some parents are way too generous (IMHO) with the amount/things they leave. A dollar is max to us. What do little kids need with money anyway? Stealing from them to pay for their own teeth, that’s a good one!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lol! As long as we don’t mess up Santa, right? 😉 Sometimes we’ll do those Sacajawea gold dollars. He thinks one of them is worth like a thousand bucks 😀 I’m gonna feel for him when he hits 18 and thinks he can cash them in for a car or something.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Seriously! Why do teeth go under the pillow, especially if you’re attempting to exchange it for something? Because the idea is stealth and you have an increased likelihood of being discovered by disturbing the pillow while the kid sleeps. … I’m not missing the point of the humor here. Your YOLO shirt cracked me up! But why is the Tooth Fairy a thing?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know, right, it’s just weird! I get Christmas/Santa, but the Easter Bunny not so much, and certainly not the Tooth Fairy. Wikipedia says there are reports for the tradition of getting money for the first tooth from the 1200s.

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  3. When my son lost his second tooth, he left it for the tooth fairy and was rewarded the next day. Tooth gone, money in its place, including a note from the tooth fairy on her own stationery. When he lost his third tooth, he decided he didn’t like the deal he had made on his second tooth and wanted his second tooth back. Who keeps their kid’s baby teeth! Oh yeah…we did. So lo and behold the next day after asking for his the tooth back, the tooth fairy returned it again with a letter. From then on, he reverted back to money for teeth.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Our boys have a “Tooth Guardian” to put their tooth in and it’s kept outside their room. No sneaking required! As long as we remember. We have forgotten too. Fortunately, he forgot to check in the morning and I was able to make the switch before he noticed. One time he got $10 because I forgot to get it changed to something smaller. We have robbed the kids to pay them for their tooth. It works as long as they didn’t know how much money they had to start with.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I tell you what, the tooth fairy thing always has me on my toes. So I started out writing a note for every lost too and now I have to keep up. I forgot once and little lady here was so mad at the tooth fairy for not living a note along with the $.😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My parents had the Beaver Lady, and she “lined her house with teeth”. Only slightly creepy, no? Eventually she got old and we had to put the tooth in the mailbox.
    My husband and I have a pretty flippant attitude about Santa and the Easter bunny, but we should probably get it figured out soon. Also, were hoping to teach him how to say Santa instead of Satan before Christmas. Kids learning how to talk is hilarious.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. So freakin glad the tooth fairy doesn’t come here. *hates tooth fairy*
    Grandparents are people who are full of time and regret. Don’t listen to them. Of course, our daughter doesn’t listen to us now that we are grandparents because we didn’t listen to her grandparents and now her kids’ lives are full of imaginary entities, but that’s not our problem. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Ha-ha!!! The tooth fairy came to our house but the boys had somehow come up with a “Sibling Contingency Fee” which meant if one brother lost a tooth – the other got money as well from the tooth fairy. Usually, it was a $5.00 bill (which is crazy, because I got 25 cents for my teeth when I was kid). One night the Tooth Fairy was really tired, and didn’t correctly check her currency she placed on the bedside table and the boys ended up with $9 (I thought it was 5 one dollar bills, but it turned out to be 4 ones and a $5 dollar bill). Of course they thought this new fee schedule was brilliant, and so I was stuck paying them $9.00 each for each tooth that was lost. I am glad those days are over, but kind of wish they would come back, when I have to pay those car loan payments monthly on each of their cars ($18.00 for a lost tooth seems like a good deal now).

    Liked by 1 person

  9. One of your best posts ever. 🙂 I love robbing the piggy bank to pay him!! Good idea…
    When I was a kid, we got coins, and a quarter was a BIG DEAL. I think I got a dollar bill for each molar, but that was just because I was the second child. I’m sure my big sister was ticked!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. If you really want to fail at parenting, leave a note that says, “Get used to disappointment” under your kid’s pillow instead of cash. Love this week’s doodles!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Hey there! I’m a fellow blogger and I wanted to stop by to introduce myself! I’m working on networking and finding new blogs to follow. I followed you blog to show my support and would for you to stop by and follow me if you can.

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  12. this is hysterical! I too have had my share of failures with the tooth fairy. I love the borrowing from your kiddos piggy bank bahahahaha! I cant get the tooth out from under the pillow without waking my kid so we have a spot on his shelf that the tooth fairy knows where to look. I lost his tooth once in the dark and couldn’t find it. My little guy found it a few months later cleaning his room and thought the tooth fairy owed him more money because she left it behind hahaha! Many times I have not had money on the day he looses a tooth, like you got to keep some aside for just that. I just tell him the fairy must have been too busy that day or week and she’ll get to his tooth when she has a chance!

    Liked by 1 person

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