Wearing Spanx: An Act Of Love

There are lots of things you can do to show someone you love them. You can spend oodles of money on jewelry and flowers on that one special day per year. You can hold their hand while they’re getting the flu shot, even if they’re almost 40 and are way past the age of needing to be consoled for a little pinch. You can cook a meal that doesn’t involve the use of a microwave.

You can also wear Spanx.

My baby brother is getting married next Saturday, and the dress code is cocktail attire. My heart dropped when I read that on the invitation. I can do casual or business casual — khakis and a nice blouse work, right? — but cocktail attire? FML.

I don’t do dresses. Prior to trying on dresses for my brother’s wedding, I’ve only worn dresses for a couple of occasions over the past 11 years: my wedding and a cruise. My husband has tried to coax me into buying dresses a few times, but I resist. Aside from not being very comfortable in a dress, wearing a dress means I have to take the time to attempt doing my hair and makeup. I suck at both and usually look like a clown caught in a rainstorm. With hurricane force winds. My bum attire of jeans, t-shirts, and flannel or thermal shirts, depending on the weather, suits me much better — those clothes set the makeup/hair bar pretty damn low.

American Horror Show contender?

But my baby brother only gets married once, so cocktail attire it is. I spent a few hours shopping and trying on dresses yesterday and found a couple that were tolerable. One of them was vetoed by my husband, because apparently a sleek dark denim dress isn’t cocktail attire, no matter how cute it is or how much I plan to dress it up with jewelry. The other, a black dress with polka dots, was approved.

Between being overweight and pregnant a bunch of times, things aren’t exactly smooth in the stomach region, so I picked up a pair of those Spanx undergarment things. I’ve never bought those before, so when I held it up against myself I was kind of skeptical, as it looked rather small. The tag claimed it was my size, so I bought it anyway.

When I got home, it was time to model the new dress (plus the old cruise dress).

Yay.

Before I put the dresses on, I needed to put on the Spanx. Again, I had doubts while looking at it.

How the hell are my thighs gonna fit in this? And my butt? And my gut?

There was no way. Squeezing all my bits into that thing would be tougher than closing the lid on a Chinese takeout box — impossible. I reminded myself that it was supposed to be my size and stepped in and started pulling it up. Slightly above my knee, things got dicey. The Spanx no longer wanted to be pulled up. I sucked my breath in — because apparently this helps with getting things over one’s thighs — and pulled. And pulled. And pulled.

I got the thing up over my thighs and then my hips. The belly was the easy part. One more tug and it was on — success! The feeling I got after stuffing myself in there wasn’t unlike the feeling I had after delivering Little Man.

After putting on the dresses on as ungracefully as possible — they did look pretty good, I’ll admit — it was time to remove the Spanx. I thought taking it off would be easier, but no. Let’s just say that if a woman taking off Spanx was viewed as a newsworthy subject, my efforts in removing it would garner as much awe as firefighters when they use the jaws of life to extract someone from a burning car. My husband watched the train wreck with much amusement, because 11 years of marriage means you don’t have to fake concern anymore.

It’s a good thing my brother is having an open bar at his reception to make all this Spanx hassle worth it. You’re probably thinking, “But if you drink all the drinks, you’re gonna have to pee and remove the Spanx!” No worries, though — much to my amusement, the crotch opens. (And now it’s time to Google whether you’re supposed to wear panties with this or open the crotch and pull your panties to the side to pee.)

On another note, it’s okay to count wearing Spanx as a wedding gift to my brother, right?

Thanks to HonestK for suggesting I use this as a doodle!

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Author: Erika

I’m a SAHM to two kids. When I’m not doing all the typical mom things (diapers, soccer, etc.), I like writing, reading, and playing games. Clearly I live the life of a rock star.

35 thoughts on “Wearing Spanx: An Act Of Love”

    1. Good luck to you on your Spanx journey, lol! I’ll say this — I mainly wanted to remove lumps from my lower abdomen, so I probably bought more than what I needed. So maybe don’t overbuy like me and save yourself from some extra torture 😀

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    1. I bet you never thought you’d see pictures of your friend in underwear, huh?

      Easier/quicker for the mirror to have an opinion than for me to doodle myself in it 😀 Laziness FTW.

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  12. The ending is priceless! I love that! Had a hearty LOL! 🙂
    I do believe I last wore Spanx to a wedding as well. I bought mine to wear under white trousers and they did the trick. I pretty much avoid them otherwise. Putting them on is cardio, taking them off is right up there with trying to get ants out of my pants. Also, just as a warning — if you move a lot at the waist, you can expect them to roll down in the back and you’ll want to get someone else, like darling husband, to yank that mofo back up a few times over the course of a busy night.
    I’ve got a friend who bought the kind with suspender-type things and if I ever need them for a dress again, I’ll be getting the same kind.
    Next time you’re forced to cocktail, consider a fancy pantsuit. I reject the idea that women MUST wear dresses. I mean, I love dresses, but I’m not every woman.

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    1. Haha, thanks for the tips on both keeping it hoisted up and the pantsuit. At least with a pantsuit, I could probably wear it for an interview (if I ever have one again), but that wouldn’t work so much for the dress I wouldn’t think.

      Baby Girl made me think of you yesterday. I asked her what she wanted to get from the store and she said “I want all the things!” 😀

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  14. Pingback: The Woman On The Bed | joeyfullystated

  16. Lolol. I recently wore pregnancy Spanx to a wedding…my first-ever encounter with a “foundation garment.” I’ve never felt like more of the physical embodiment of a joke than while hanging out in the hotel room in them and my stretched-out old bra. I sort of wanted to go show it off, in a “Can you believe this sh*t?” kind of way.

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  17. Spanx sounds downright dangerous. I can imagine how many people must injure themselves on a daily basis getting in/out of those sadistic contraptions, possibly dislocating shoulders or knocking teeth out… 😜

    Hey, did you figure out how that convenient crotch hole thingy is supposed to work? 😄

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    1. Hahaha! I can imagine it’s only behind fireworks in terms of things that cause accidental injuries.

      I wore underwear with them anyway. It felt too weird not wearing them.

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