When Spiders Attack

I’m afraid of spiders. Like, deathly afraid. Ever since I watched the movie Arachnophobia as a kid, I’ve been terrified. I spent a year constantly searching for spider bites on my body after watching that movie. Usually the “bites” ended up being some of my smaller freckles. Unfortunately for me, I’m covered with freckles, so the whole “oh-my-god-I’m-dying” terror thing happened a lot. Not fun.

As far as I’m concerned, all spiders are either brown recluses or black widows (or something else that is equally deadly). Doesn’t matter what color or size they are; as long as they have eight legs, they should die. Sometimes my son brings up how great Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web is when I’m hating on spiders — he thinks he can bring me to the other side because of a fictional character. Newsflash, son — she doesn’t get a pass just because she saved Wilbur. And by “saving Wilbur,” what we really mean is she deprived the people of their bacon, and that’s much worse than lurking in a corner.

My husband is usually the one who handles spider business around the house. The first few times I screamed for him to come help me because I found a brown recluse, he dashed in, ready to save me and slay the beast. He was my knight in shining armor, just of the “wears boxer shorts and a wife beater” variety. And his sword was a flip flop. Otherwise, he was exactly like a knight in shining armor. Once my husband began realizing that my brown recluses were usually something less lethal, he stopped being so quick to run to my side. Now he comes when he pleases and grabs my shoes to kill with. Clearly we aren’t in the honeymoon phase any longer.

Look at that spider’s teardrop tattoo and tell me he ain’t about killing folks.

Now that you know I generally don’t care for spiders, let’s get into what this post is really about.

Thursday didn’t start out great for me. I went to bed the night before with heart palpitations and an on edge feeling, presumably from anxiety. Anxious about what, I don’t know — sometimes anxiety disorders like to keep you guessing. And then I woke up that morning with a sharp pain in my upper abdomen that went through to my back. That combined with the still present heart palpitations concerned me a bit since I had recently read an article about how women’s heart attack symptoms can be different from men’s. I took some Tums, ibuprofen, and aspirin to cover my bases and decided to wait and see if it got better or worse.

The pain eased up after a few hours, and I was able to go about my day. My husband, who works from home most of the time, had to drive in to Charlotte, so I was home alone with the toddler. We colored, we played house, and we made stuff with Play-Doh. After making 524 Play-Doh pizzas, I decided it was time to move on. I put on a Daniel Tiger in the living room for Baby Girl to watch while I started tidying up. The first thing on my list was sweeping up all of the Play-Doh bits from the floor. Well, Play-Doh bits and the Lucky Charms bits and Cheerios bits that didn’t get swept up earlier, because of laziness.

I reached under the table with the broom to slide out some of the cereal and PlayDoh bits, and as I looked down at what I was sweeping out, a big fucking spider dashed out and began running at me.

Considering the heart concerns from earlier that morning, this was very clever timing on behalf of the spider, who was clearly hellbent on killing me.

I’m not going to doodle what happened next, because we have surveillance cams in our homes. The camera in the kitchen caught pretty much everything, including my blood curdling screams. Typically I wouldn’t post a video of myself in a public space in a million years, for many, many reasons, but I think the funny in this video is worth it being put up for a day or so. (Bonus: this video will verify that I look just as much like a bum in real life as I do in my doodles.)

Now that you’ve made it through the video, let’s continue, since there’s a little left to this post.

Immediately after the eight-legged creature was murdered, I started texting my husband about the ordeal.

It was definitely a wolf spider. Since my husband likes to act like wolf spiders aren’t anything to worry about, I’m gonna leave this right here —

Like wolves, they chase and leap on their prey.

Chase. Leap. That’s the stuff nightmares are made of. Maybe their bites won’t kill you or cause your skin to rot, but the next time you feel something brush against your face in the dark, just know it could be a wolf spider leaping on you.

My children are both having fun with this ordeal. Baby Girl has teased me about being afraid of the spider, showed Little Man how I screamed, and even told me that the dead spider was alive and moving towards me. What kind of three-year-old am I raising? Little Man watched the video a dozen times before bedtime last night. He went back and forth between saying I’m the [unintentionally] funniest mom ever and that I’m too dramatic. Hmph.

For further funny spider fear stories, check out Becca Barracuda’s Bug Juice post

I know I’m not the only person to freak the hell out over a spider, so what’s your story? 

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Author: Erika

I’m a SAHM to two kids. When I’m not doing all the typical mom things (diapers, soccer, etc.), I like writing, reading, and playing games. Clearly I live the life of a rock star.

39 thoughts on “When Spiders Attack”

  1. I’m spider-friendly overall. I carry the wee ones out and leave the big outdoor ones alone, but I must admit, if I see some eight-legger with eyes that look back at me IN my house, well, it has to die. I don’t freak out about it. I’ll not tell you about the rest of my family, I’ll just pretend they’re all badasses.
    Your recent pain reminds me of gall stones. I hope you do not have gall stones. I had these painful attacks for years, although rarely and seemingly unconnected, but eventually I found out I had a gallbladder that looked like I was eatin bbs. I hope you just had some bad gas. 😉
    GREAT DOODLES TODAY! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! The rest of my family doesn’t seem to give two fucks about spiders for the most part. I have another story from a couple of weeks ago about a spider getting over me in the car while I’m driving. It wasn’t pretty.

      I had my gallbladder out after LM was born (nothing quite like recurring gallbladder attacks for four months of pregnancy that you can’t medicate!), but that pain felt similar. The only thing I can figure is maybe it was a pancreas thing. Trying not to let my anxiety trick me into thinking I was having arm and jaw pain took an act of god lol. And thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember seeing images of spiders and thinking they were all quarter size or bigger. I didn’t understand that those images were magnified. To a degree I felt like the smaller they were, the less dangerous. Don’t get me wrong, spiders still weird me out, but I guess the threat level is different. I still mostly panic internally.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ugh. I can’t stand those enlarged pictures, just looking at them or pictures of snakes makes me want to freak out.

      Usually I don’t panic that badly — it’s more of a jump to the other side of the room and yell for Ray when I see one, but that one caught me majorly off guard.

      Like

  3. OMG that video is GOLD!! If it makes you feel better, I am also TERRIFIED of spiders, and react in the same way every time I see one. Funnily enough, I just recently wrote a post about all my recent spider encounters. Feel free to check it out if you’d like to commiserate together about spiders’ existence. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “They’ve scuttled their last” is so much nicer than “Imma kill this mofo.” I need some of that class. Yeah, spiders in the hand would be a “Better pay me some money to be on Fear Factor” deal.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LOL Sorry… we’ll never get brown recluses and black widows (or anything venomous) because venomous creatures prefer warm weather. This is Cananda. It’s never warm for long 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I KNEW this would make some killer doodles. You really outdid yourself with this! I HATE spiders, too; I would’ve reacted the same way! My husband is my knight in shining armor, right down to the same wife beater shirt and flip flop. He’s afraid I’m teaching our girls to be afraid of spiders. 8-o I think your little girl is so brave!
    Interesting to note the “related videos” that checkered the YouTube screen at the end of your clip: “Near Death GoPro,” “Best of all time – Wrecked” vid of a sea vessel, some toddler mid-shriek in a backseat, and a video of Obama in the Rose Garden. I guess you’ve made the big leagues. 🙂

    We have cave crickets up here. Do you? Those jumping mother f***kers are disgusting! They don’t bite, but they might as well because they’re so frightening already!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Well, I have spiders living in the corners of several rooms. I tell them, I say, “Arthur,” (they all seemed to be named Arthur), “Arthur, as long as you stay in your area, I’ll stay in mine. The minute to you get into my space, all bets are off. Capiche?” And they stay in their area. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. While I don’t love spiders, I can handle them just fine. Mice, however, are a whole different story. They are scary, mousy, tiny, icky little b@stards that must be destroyed. But not by me, because I can’t reach them from my perch on the kitchen table or counter, where I jump, shrieking.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL! That reminds me of a teacher I had in high school. One day a mouse ran across the classroom, she let out a bloodcurdling scream, and jumped up on her desk. Luckily, this was my journalism class, so we had cameras on hand to take a picture to post in the yearbook 😀

      Like

  7. Wow are u really that afraid of spiders? Even the small ones? Depends on wht spider how big and how it looks i can kill them myself… our 2 year old daughter though wants to play with them (and all sort of other insects). Anyways you killed the spider yayyyy you are sooòo brave

    Like

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