Your Vagina Doesn’t Work That Way

Kids can be frustrating. Mostly they’re amazeballs, but they can also be frustrating. They have little quirks that can make getting through the day a little tougher than it has to be. Take Little Man for example. He’s a selective germaphobe. I say “selective,” because he chews on his fingernails and will occasionally eat off the floor. Otherwise, he’ll wig out if he thinks someone has taken a drink from his bottle, has touched his food, or so much as sniffles in his direction. I completely get that, but still — be consistent and keep your hands out of your mouth! He also lines the toilet seat everywhere he goes, even in his own house (and I do clean), which is frustrating mostly because he goes through so much toilet paper and makes a mess.


Now for Baby Girl. Mealtime with the toddler is a struggle because of how picky she is. Even though I know many kids are like this to a degree, especially during the toddler stage, it’s still a source of constant frustration. I understand when someone doesn’t like something, since I’m rather picky myself, but she usually won’t even try whatever it is.

At the behest of our doctor, we’ve tried everything — pleading, bribing, guilting. (“Daniel Tiger will be sad if you don’t try those green beans!”) The promise of a sweet treat doesn’t remotely faze the girl. And don’t bother suggesting the not-so-wise advice of “She’ll eat it when she’s hungry enough” — that’s a big nope. (And the same is true with me — I’d be more likely to cut off my foot and roast it than eat zucchini.)

This is truly difficult for my husband and me, because not only do we worry about nutrition, it has us questioning ourselves as parents, What did we do wrong? Thankfully, though, it has provided a few humorous moments. Always, always look for the humor. It makes everything a little bit better, or more tolerable, at least. One thing that amuses us is when Baby Girl doesn’t want something, she’ll cover her eyes. Yes, her eyes. I’m not sure if she can’t stand the sight of the food or if she genuinely thinks that covering her eyes is the equivalent of covering her mouth, but it’s still pretty funny.

We also recently learned that she has developed some allergies.

She has no allergies that I’m aware of. But I’ve gotta give the kid credit — allergies is a damn good excuse for not eating something.

As I’ve written about before, my kids aren’t too big on the healthy, which came up again a couple days ago.

Girl, that was a fried chicken tender — whatever health is in it is canceled out by the breading and oil!

And just when we thought we had heard everything, this came up:

We pointed out that she actually is a big girl. We told her that if she really isn’t a big girl, then she definitely couldn’t watch Daniel Tiger or go to gymnastics. Naturally she had a comeback for this.

Your vagina prohibits you from eating peas? Nope, it doesn’t work that way. But obviously I’m gonna use that the next time someone tries to get me to eat zucchini.

See? Humor. It’s not enough to weigh out the frustration, worry, and parental self-doubt, but thank god for a little bit of it mixed in with this phase. (I hope it’s a phase, anyway.)

What’s the best excuse you’ve heard for someone not eating something?

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Author: Erika

I’m a SAHM to two kids. When I’m not doing all the typical mom things (diapers, soccer, etc.), I like writing, reading, and playing games. Clearly I live the life of a rock star.

35 thoughts on “Your Vagina Doesn’t Work That Way”

    1. It’s tough. I struggle with different textures and will gag, which keeps me from eating some stuff that looks and smells amazing, but I will try them anyway. Hopefully hers is a phase and doesn’t last 30+ years like me lol!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Baby Bird has gotten great at flinging foods she doesn’t want across the room. She has quite the arm for a 1-year-old.
    We can also tell what she doesn’t want because that’s the stuff she’s willing to share (i.e., trying to shove a half-chewed piece of salmon into my mouth while snickering). 😲

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My eldest at 5 is still a fussy eater (I honestly think she lives on air and fruit) as a toddler her diet consisted of toast and marmite, berries and yogurt. We tried other things but like yours she had (and still has) her own creative reasons for why she wouldn’t eat various things. Best thing for her was starting school and having school lunches, she openly eats food there she would never eat at home like any tomato sauce that isn’t out of a ketchup bottle (I know this to be true as some usually ends up on her school shirt, white shirt +red sauce = mummy wanting to buy shares in stain removers). Kids that won’t eat food are the most frustrating and there is no easy solution. I have spent 5 years telling myself a biological imperative will stop her starving herself. So far so good. Boy child who is 1 is the opposite he will happily eat most things and eats more than his sister. I’m making the most of this period before he too takes up his sisters mantel of fussy eater.

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    1. That’s crazy about school! Our daughter tells us about trying new things (mostly cereal or snack foods) that she’d never try with us. I wish they’d serve veggies as snacks and see what would happen. Hopefully they’ll grow out of it! My oldest is a great eater and will try anything as long as it’s not spicy, so there’s that at least.

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  3. My son, in his most serious tone and a straight face, would always try, “You don’t want me to eat that! If I eat that..there will be barf all over the floor. You do not want that!”
    My reply, “It’s a chance I’m willing to take. Now eat your ___.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL! My son used to do that sometimes when he was preschool age. He was mostly a good eater, but would have his moments where he didn’t want to eat supper (and he’s super skinny). After taking a few bites he’d start making himself gag and then barf. It made me so mad.

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  4. YES, always find the humor!!! 🙂

    My eldest daughter pretty much ONLY ate junk. I had never experienced this, and it was incredibly frustrating. She was stubborn, too, and WOULD go hungry. Until somethin junky appeared… And this was compounded by the fact that she was growth chart perfect, unlike her brother, who was scrawny despite his great appetite and varied diet. I tried everything, and ultimately took the stance that repeated exposure would win her over, and to some degree this worked, slowly but surely. Like most people, there are things she doesn’t like, but I am proud to say she now eats all her greens, green beans, carrots, rice, yogurt…
    I find it tragic that people love to eat my cooking, and my little kids were all, “EW, what’s the green stuff on the chicken?” or “Can I just have cereal?” *flips off all the kids*

    I dunno how I’d feel if my kids tp’d the seat in our own home. I don’t think I’d take too kindly to that, either.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sounds like your eldest and I have a lot in common, aside from her growing out of it somewhat. I’ve been trying things more, hopefully something will stick.

      Hahaha!

      That boy took forever using the bathroom in Walmart last week. I asked what was going on, and he informed me that the bathroom was really dirty and that he had to line the seat. I was like, “Oh, #2 huh?” and he said “No, just to pee.” Just…what?

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Aaaaight, I will. (Write some words, that is.) I find it really funny that furry kids have the same picky habits as two legged kids. My cat has her favorite flavors, won’t touch the others, and she even gets tired of her favorite flavors periodically so we have to rotate them. I guess she gets tired of the same thing all the time, too. Luckily she doesn’t try to “cover” the food the way some cats do, she’s more polite than that.

    That said, here’s a couple of good suggestions for getting kids to eat – it’s a good blog, I promise. And it’s not even mine.

    http://www.artofmanliness.com/2017/07/21/2-best-tips-dealing-picky-eaters/

    Oh, and my vagina sometimes tells me I shouldn’t eat zucchini either. Hate the stuff!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😀

      That IS funny. Our dog will starve before eating certain types of dog good.

      I’ll check that out, thanks for the link!

      As much as I hate zucchini, I did make a chocolate loaf cake with it once. The zucchini absorbed everything and made it the most moist cake ever. I’m sure it had little to no nutritional value by the time it was all said and done, but I did find that zucchini has at least one use that doesn’t make me puke 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Pretty much the best post title ever. 🙂
    Your BG eats like my husband. SO PICKY. I understand not eating something if it genuinely disgusts you, but give it a try first! Once we had a friend’s 2yo son over and offered him bacon – which he refused to taste. I practically yelled out, “Who doesn’t like BACON?! Kid, do you know what you’re missing?!” (Ok, maybe it’s wrong to give a 2yo bacon, but my older daughter and we were eating it, so…) I mean, you just never know how awesome something might be until you try it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! I am crazy picky, too — I have issues with food textures — but I will try things (and eat much more than her). The men folk eat almost everything.

      Not liking bacon is a sin. Baby Girl loves how it smells and licked a piece and liked it, but still wouldn’t eat it. More for us, right?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s great that you try things!!! Can you guilt my husband into doing that?! 😀

        Yes, more bacon for us… At least she went so far as to lick the bacon. Maybe it was too crunchy for her (or not crunchy enough?). We make sure ours is extra crispy, so we waited awhile to give it to the girls to make sure they could chew and swallow it safely.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol! I’m still that person who orders chicken fingers and fries off the kid’s menu in a Mexican restaurant, but I’ll try my husband’s at least 😉

        She wouldn’t actually put it in her mouth, so I don’t know. There are so many things I know she’d like if she put it in her mouth, but that freaks her out for some reason.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Haha! That’s 100% my husband. Last week at a coworker’s retirement party in an Italian restaurant, he ordered chicken parmesan – with no sauce or cheese and the chicken well crisped. So, basically a chicken tender. 🙂

        I hope she gets over that! Most kids’ texture/taste aversions ease over the years, especially if parents keep offering it casually to them. Crossing my fingers for you!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. My friends’ kids are the same. I expect I was too when I was little.
    Why is it that every time someone writes “zucchini” I have to Google it to find out what we call it over here? Every single time. You would’ve though it would have sunk in by now.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. “Your vagina prohibits you from eating peas? Nope, it doesn’t work that way.” Love these two sentences, too funny. If I was to weigh in the not eating excuses, I can’t say that I have any as clever as your little one. I just hear, “my tummy hurts. Can I have a desert now?”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That needs to be on a bumper sticker 😉 My son likes to tell us that his stomach has two compartments — one for regular food and one for dessert. By his logic, he can be full from supper yet be able to eat dessert.

      Like

  9. My three-year-old is always saying, “It’s dangerous!” Naturally, he’s never able to specify exactly how any given food is dangerous.

    (He uses the same excuse when it’s time for me to go to work. “Don’t go to work!” he cries as I head toward the door. “Why not?” I ask. “Because it’s dangerous!” (He’s probably on to something there.))

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Our grandson has quite the aversion to any foods. Our son-in-law and daughter have declared that “he’s an orchid” because essentially he “lives on air”. No amount of prodding, bribing, harassing, cajoling, disciplinary tactics such as “sit there a while longer” and a myriad of others, will persuade this child to eat. At this point, his only food is Nutella, Ramen noodles and chips (salt with that anyone?). Needless to say, his parents have consulted all the experts including taking him to their physician.

    Since the child loves science, I have tried scientific evidence on nutrition and physiology to no avail. His uncle who is a graduate from one of the finest culinary schools in the US, has made special dishes and explained the nutritional value of various dishes. However, he just wags his head away or gags.

    I have to agree with his parents–he truly is an orchid.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw bless his heart, that’s gotta be tough all around. A cousin of mine only ate his grandmother’s biscuits and cheese pizza from Pizza Hut *only* until he was in his teens (he’d have the same gagging reaction to other stuff), but he eventually started adding foods on.

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  11. DD couldn’t eat smooth foods. They’d make her gag. She ate couscous and softened celery or broccoli. I got some great looks from other parents. She wouldn’t eat fish fingers, she wanted the whole fish, head and all (which made me gag!). Even now, at 11, I still have to leave some lumps in the mashed potatoes. Seriously, why did no one tell me about this?!

    Liked by 1 person

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