Directionally Challenged

Remember those drug commercials from when we (those of us around 30ish, anyway) were kids? They’d show an egg and say, “This is your brain.” And then a skillet would smash the egg to bits and then they’d say, “This is your brain on drugs.” Or something to that effect. The point was drilled home — drugs make your brain explode.

That’s me.

Except without the drugs. Instead, that’s my brain when trying to process directions. The whole “yolk splattering” thing and ensuing rage definitely resonates.

I like to think that I’m a pretty bright person. I always did well in school, I can usually learn new things easily, and logic and I are besties. (Except for when anxiety takes over, so it’s more like logic and I are a step above being casual acquaintances.) Unfortunately, all of that goes out the window when I try to wrap my mind around driving directions. Put a map in front of me or try to tell me how to get from Point A to Point B, and you might as well be speaking a different language.


That in a nutshell.

I’ve lived in the same town for 30 of the 33 years that I have been on this earth. Yet if you asked me for directions to Walmart, I’d likely falter. And, heaven forbid, don’t ask me to read a map.

My husband finally figured out the answer to my problem one Christmas — a GPS! I was about 7 months pregnant with Little Man, and I didn’t know how to get to the hospital that was 20 minutes away. Since he was concerned about me going into labor while he was at work, he figured I should probably know how to get to the hospital, so he got me the GPS. He was pleased with himself until I called him at work crying a month later because I was lost in the town that we lived in.

“Did you use the GPS?”

“Yes!” I said between my dry heaving. “It told me to turn at a median! There was no road!”

Eventually, my husband finally figured out a way for me to get from point A to B without a) having to drive me or b) me getting utterly lost in the process — write out the most detailed directions in the world. You think the instructions for that bookshelf from IKEA you had to put together were long? You haven’t seen my driving instructions.

I might still have to call to clarify one part of the directions, or for driving back (I don’t do reverse directions well, either), but that’s it. Great success!

So, yeah, that’s me — Mrs. Directionally Challenged. Can any of y’all relate?

Bonus:

Here’s the This Is Your Brain On Drugs video. When I saw this as a kid, I was a bit terrified — who wants to turn into a dishes smashing lunatic, right? But now the mom in me — whose family mostly uses the nicer plastic take-out cups to avoid broken glasses — is going, “WTF, Baby-Sitter’s Club chick?! Stop that shit now!”

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I’m going to try the whole “make a little money from the blog” thing now via the Amazon Affiliates program. If you’re an Amazon addict like I am, then use this link to do your shopping. I may earn a small commission that will go towards my kids’ college education new Converses. *Full disclosure. 

Author: Erika

I’m a SAHM to two kids. When I’m not doing all the typical mom things (diapers, soccer, etc.), I like writing, reading, and playing games. Clearly I live the life of a rock star.

27 thoughts on “Directionally Challenged”

  1. LOL I do remember those commercials. I am not quite as directionally challenged but I have been known to choose “the other left” once in a while, or pass the turn altogether and have to double back. Good luck with the Amazon affiliation! I am a Creative Live and Blitsy affiliate and so if you ever want to take a class or get some craft supplies, feel free to use my links. I’ll remember yours for my Amazon shopping. Happy Tuesday!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Haha! That’s a regular occurrence in my world 😉 Thanks! Will do, I order vinyl and jewelry making supplies once every six weeks or so and will check that out and see if I can get my supplies that way 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, I remember that commercial. How about “I learned it from watching you!” ? Remember that one?
    I am not directionally challenged, but GPS is not my friend and neither is the signage here. The other night, went to pick up a kid, and the street is called Harrison Park on the street, but Memorial Park on the GPS. And to make matters worse, it’s right over by the Y and the commissary and the Culver’s and the VFW and the dry cleaners and the water company — and I go over there all.the.time. “What the hell is Memorial Park Drive?!?!?” Google didn’t know, too new, new housing. You shoulda been in the car with us. Good times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I didn’t remember that one, but I just watched it, and LOL. So much drama! Oh lord! My best friend lives on the other side of town and her road still doesn’t come up on Google Maps almost 10 years later. She’s had to offer to come meet me a few times. Sad.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m a little obsessed with the “drive the length of 2 Hanson songs” direction and hope with all my heart and soul that it was written down that way for real. I’ve gotten lost in my hometown more than once. If my life depended on finding “North” I’d probably die. I once had to drive back to my parents house to get directions to my own apartment… So yeah… I can relate.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Holy crap! We could be related! The only reason I get anywhere, ever, is because of a couple of dear friends that I’m totally lost without- MapQuest and GPS. My lack of attention for listening to/following directions leaves much to be desired, and I’m pretty sure printed maps serve only as intricately detailed wall hangings. 😬

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You could use Street View. “Turn right at the huge DHL truck.” Hopefully it hasn’t moved by the time you get there.

    Actually, I do always use Street View – I like to see a picture of the junction I’m not sure of, so I’ll recognise it when I get there. Because junctions which look huge on a map can be tiny in reality. I have GPS in the car but have never used it, I’m sure it would only confuse me. I do sometimes use the map function, though, so I can see my junction coming.

    In other news, do you have “brains on drugs” lady’s phone number by any chance? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. lol I am the same with directions. Give me landmarks and I’ll be totally fine, “turn left” or “turn right” is amazing. But don’t use words like north and south. I was meeting up with the boy for dinner on Sunday and he called my cell asking if I was walking north on a specific street at that moment and I was like “north?! What does this word mean?” he just sighs and says “Are you walking by a grey van right now?” He was at the corner behind me and wanted me to wait for him lol.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. haha samesies!! My boss will give me directions like that. “go north on such and such street” and I’m like glazed eyed until her husband is like “go here, turn left, go here, turn right. it’s the 3rd house on the left” that’s so much easier.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I remember those commercials haha. Directions and I have a love hate relationship. Once I’ve driven myself somewhere I can remember it no problem. Until I actually drive myself though nope. I GPS EVERYTHING. Even if I’m just going like 5 minutes down the road, and I’m fairly certain I know where I’m going but want to make sure.

    And of course there’s the lowering of music so I can find my destination haha. Ask me to give directions… I go by landmarks not street names.
    “Go to the corner you’ll see an abandoned house turn right. Keep driving until you see a fork in the road. Go left. Keep going. If you pass the baseball field you went to far.” But I’m pretty good at map reading and drawing them for people who can’t understand my directions.

    Though really I don’t understand why people don’t use their GPS more often. Like come on its built into our phone haha

    Liked by 1 person

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